Im an evil, cheating, hypocritical vegan
:'( I am really upset right now. I keep "slipping up" and eating things with animal product in it. It started Friday with a huge binge on chocolate covered strawberries at one of my jobs- Edible Arrangements. I was like crying shoving strawberries into my mouth, willing myself to stop. I was litterally out of control. My mind was shouting "no, put that down! Animals were harmed in the making of that food! Think of the cow, and her 3-4 babies that she had before her mericless slaying. Think of the babies that were tortured and killed! Stop it. Please stop..." I was crying so hard I was chocking on them, but I still kept eating them. It was like my body was on autopilot... I thought maybe I had that experience because I hadn't been eating enough, so I went to taco bell and ordered a bean burrito. But tehy put cheese and sour cream on it- instead of "no cheese, no sour cream" SO I went back and told them NO cheese NO sour cream and made them give me another one. I felt I should have jsut eaten in anyways becasue I had already dairy, but I still dont want to eat dairy...So they made one for me without the sour cream and cheese but (the idiots) substituted ANIMAL FLESH for beans. So I gave up and gave the burritos to my sister.
Then, last night and this morning I worked at my nursing home job, where I have to prepare nonveg foods. And all night I was craving Butter so badly. I don't even like butter! So I was downing pieces of toast smothered in butter. I was also craving potato chips, (another food I do not like) so I was eating tons of those, but at least they are vegan...
Every time I slip up and eat this stuff I cry and swear to myself that I wont do it again. I remind myself of why I became vegan in the first place (after just being vegetarian for 8+ years I went vegan for animal rights) I know giving up eggs and dairy has been pretty tough cause I relied so heavily on them before I was vegan. I like them, but I NEVER like meat...it was the most unnatural thing in the world to me. I love being vegan. I don't believe my body NEEDS eggs or dairy. In fact, having been vegan, I have been able to figure out I have been pretty allergic to dairy all these years. Whenever I slip up I pay for it...and not just a stomach lactose intolerance, there is also the insomnia, moodiness, and body aches...
Guys, I need to figure out how to STOP eating this stuff. Please help! Ive tried keeping cliff bars on hand for when I get hungry but that hasn't worked so far.I have thought about keeping graphic pictures in my pocket of what happened to make my butter, to the animals, but I think I might just terrorize myself with that. Considering what happened on Friday with the strawberries. :'( :-X :'( :-X :'(
:'( :'( :'(
This sounds exactly what my eating disorder used to feel like. I wasn't eating non-veg stuff, but I still knew better than to binge like I was, and I couldn't help it. Yes, I felt like I was on autopilot. I felt like a shark--I've seen on nature shows that when sharks begin to attack something, they go into a frenzy that they can absolutely not be taken out of. That was me when I would start eating in one of my "feeding frenzies." I felt incredibly guilty about it too.
So anyway, I can't remember if you contributed to the ED thread at all, and please forgive me for suggesting something so personal, but you may want to consider this as an eating issue, and not a vegan one. Do you ever do this with vegan food? Do you feel out of control when you do? Do you feel guilty about it?
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope there is some way we can help/support you. Good luck! :-*
I feel that I must echo the "don't be so hard on yourself" sentiments shared by Apstaats & Baypuppy.
No matter what you do, it never EVER helps to beat yourself over the head- emotionally or any other way- about it. As I'm sure you may have noticed already, that kind of self-deprecation only continues the cycle of self-abuse, self-hate & self-disgust you may be experiencing due to a perfectly human lapse in will power.
As painful as feeling out of control can be, you deserve better treatment from yourself... just as you would demand it from others.
Warmest Regards,
Avesha
You are one person. It's okay to mess up sometimes. I know some vegans would disagree with me here, but your self worth as a human being does not depend on what you put into your body. What matters is your reasoning behind being a vegan, and ifyour body does not always cooperate, it's okay. You are still a vegan, and still a good person.
I don't think your problem is vegan related. I also think it's eating disordered- having/used to have one myself, and guilt and food are always related. It does not make you a bad person or a bad vegan.
Zealia, I have a feeling EVERYONE (or at least most people) has gone through moments like this before they transition fully to becoming vegan. I would slip up all the time. I would sneak a piece of chocolate as my husband was eating some (he's a chocoholic), and I don't even really like chocolate that much. I think the more that I thought about how I was not allowed to eat something bad, that's the one thing I wanted to do, eat it, even if I didn't like it that much.
It's is very hard to discipline the body at first. These things don't need to happen overnight. Just think of all the POSITIVE things you ARE doing. That will give you encouragement to be even better. You aren't eating meat! And you probably eat A LOT less dairy than you used to. Please concentrate on these things, because the fact that you are moving two steps or more forward, even if sometimes you take one step back, means that you are still moving FORWARD. I believe in you. One day you won't even be bothered to eat butter, cheese, etc. You have to allow yourself time. And you are not hypocritical. Your intentions are to become a vegan, and you are working on that daily. In your mind you ARE a vegan, your body just needs to catch up.
Every so often I will read a piece of literature or happen to see a documentary on how cruelly animals are treated in the world (particularly pieces on factory farming). This will reconfirm and validate all of my reasons for not eating meat/dairy/any animal products. Though I cry and feel terrible for the animals when I watch/read it, I also feel so glad that I am no longer a part of that cruelty. I think I read that the body regenerates most of the cells in the body after six months (? maybe one of you awesome Biology students can verify this for me?), and I always think about how now, most of my body is made up of plant material and hardly if any animal foods. It's a weird way of thinking, but I like it. Cuz I'm strange. :D
well Yes, I do have an eating disorder but its never really included binging. Last year I was hospitalized for 4 months for purge-type anorexia...thats kinda like bulimia only you don't binge. Even when I Thought i was binging before (later learned it wasn't quite binging) I never ate anything that wasn't vegetarian...So, I'm kind of surprised that now that I'm vegan Id BINNGE on nonvegan foods.
Friday was my one year anniversary for being released from treatment. Note this was not my abstinace anniversary. I relapsed soon after I was released but have been doing better sense January. Lately I lost a loot of weight and have been having a hard time eating. But I am still not a "binger." I just feels so bad cause I don't want to be forced back into eating non vegan foods. I have been trying too use my recovery skills...
maybe you guys are right though and this has more to do with my eating disorder than being vegan, Or not being vegan. I just feel so bad about how these choices are affecting the animals who were abused to harvest them. I haven't wanted to go see my old therapsit because I know she will tell me I'm not supposed to be vegan. That being vegan is bad and that shes going to send me back tot eh hospital. I know how bad all this sounds right now, but I swear I'm not hiding my eating disorder behind the vegan diet. Id never do that.
If It was about my eating disorder, why wouldn't I be binging on vegan foods?
I agree with what everyone else has said. This obviously bothers you, but I think the best thing to do is treat your non-vegan food binges as a symptom. Is it an eating disorder, is your diet not balanced, is it emotional stress, is it physical stress? Work on the root issue and the symptoms will treat themselves.
Here's another suggestion to throw into the ring. Are you getting a balanced diet? The foods you described (chocolate, butter, potato chips) are all foods high in fat. Maybe you're not getting enough fat in your diet, or something else. When I don't eat enough protein I crave carbs.
You're a person, not a label - don't be so hard on yourself.
YOU ARE NOT EVIL. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm certiantly not an expert. I've never had an eating disorder so I can't really relate to that. What i can relate to is feeling REALLY hungry & just eating whatever I could get my hands on. This is one of the hardest things for me about becoming vegan. It's possible that your body just needs more calories and/or particular nutrients that you are not giving it. Make sure you eat enough. It may seem to you that you are eating a lot of food, but vegan foods are not calorie dense. I find myself getting hungry every 3-4 hours. Try incorporating more healthy fats (avocado, nuts & seeds, hummus & dressings made with flax oil). Buy a couple of vegan chocolate bars & indulge yourself once in a while. Carry snacks with you in case you get really hungry. Think of eating as fueling your body.
If It was about my eating disorder, why wouldn't I be binging on vegan foods?
Exactly. Others may disagree with me. I think what you are going through is normal for transitioning to veganism. If you were currently throwing up or starving yourself or binging to the point of being sick, which it doesn't sound like you are, then I would say you were having some sort of relapse. I think you are just going through the normal difficulties of disciplining your mind/body, except you are being super hard on yourself.
Maybe, like when you were eating the choc-covered strawberries, just eat a few, allow yourself to eat them, let your body digest it, and let it go at that. If you torture yourself over it, you'll just want to eat more.
I don't know. That's how I see it. I'm no doctor. But that's just my perspective given what you've been saying. Sorry if I disagree with what everyone says. I'm just contentious I guess. ;)
Have you ever tried Overeaters Anonymous?
If It was about my eating disorder, why wouldn't I be binging on vegan foods?
Well, I can't speak for everyone with an ED, you or anyone, but I know for me, certain foods are 'safe.' Vegan foods low in fat are safe to eat. Non vegan stuff is unsafe, and ok only for out of control bingeing...because then, you are not really yourself, it's not really you eating. But, YMMV.
As for your veganism, that is up to you to figure out yourself, nobody can tell you what that is about to YOU.
If It was about my eating disorder, why wouldn't I be binging on vegan foods?
well.. okay, i have suffered from anorexia for over 6 years, i would used to only eat 500 calories a day in the form of 1 bowl of icecream each night. i was the same way after i came out of treatment, i relapsed.
and now i'm having the same problem, i'm trying to overcome severe binge eating, and it doesnt necessarily have to do with WHAT you eat, i find that most of the time when i binge, i eat anything i can get my hands on and yeah it has included meat (i choose not to eat it because of the way it makes me physically feel, but when i'm in binge-mode i already feel horrible anyway so i might eat some). it has included butter topped saltine crackers, icecream, chocolate, cheese, pizza, anything
it's a different part of anorexia, and it is VERY common.
i don't think my reply helped much but i wanted to let you know that you're not alone and it is normal for people with eating disorders
When I switched to being vegan, I gave myself two weeks being vegan and then two weeks being L/O veg. As things progressed the over-indulging on the L/O weeks lessened. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far, keep trying and indulge safely in small amounts and then resolve to only do so again on "allowed" days. You can then lessen the number of allowed days. Basically you wean yourself off the non vegan foods. Its difficult and more so with an eating disorder. Stay strong and give yourself some slack to make mistakes, its human!
VegHead I can share your pain here. I am a lot less prone to binges, but I know how overwhelming it can be. I would eat anything available during a binge and feel horribly guilty about all of it, the food I ate, the amount and what I was doing to my body.
When it comes to being a vegan, perhaps the aim is less for perfection than for progress. Progress implies change, flexibility and patience, while perfection implies a certain amount of rigid thinking and control. This board is extremely friendly and patient. It is brimming with people who are making real progress in being vegan, in helping the world, in living gently, in loving animals and in improving their health. THese things do not happen overnight.
I have found that the longer I abstain from animal products, the less likely I am to binge. I binged recently, but it was stress eating and I was upset about something fairly major in my life. The binging didn't help, but not beating myself up about it did help. Being better to myself as far as rest and plenty of the good foods helped to readjust my attitude.
If you have had bulemia or some form of anorexia, I think you are at least twice as a likely to become a binge eater and eventually become overweight. Binging is an emotional danger zone because you binge because you are feeling low emotionally. You pack yourself full of something you are really not that interested in eating and you feel sick. Then, you feel guilty and entitled to beat yourself up emotionally...so you are at risk of another binge. It is merry-go-round. Even when you get off of the go round for a long period of time, you can easily slip right back on for a round or two. The most important thing is to forgive yourself, try not to feel guilty and when you are home put really good things in front of yourself to eat. The odd chocolate binge (2 or 3 times a year) is NOT going to make you fat, nor do I think you should punish yourself for this. Forgive, forget and move on.
"I'm an evil, cheating, hypocritical vegan"
No you aren't. You are a PERSON, a human being. And I'm sorry to be the first to tell you, but you are fallible, imperfect and on a learning journey, just like the rest of us! ;) Please, please, get that kangaroo court out of your head, first! No one has the right to stick labels on you like those! You'd be VERY upset I know if you heard someone put them on one of us. That kind of post facto self- scourging doesn't help matters.
You are a unique human being who does their best to follow certain principles and lifestyle choices. One brick doesn't make a wall, and one bad day doesn't make a lifetime. In order to move forward you have to forgive yourself and drop the weight of past mistakes.
Think about it. What would you say to one of us who wrote in with the same sort of problem? You'd say, "That's OK, wipe the slate clean and start over." Start where you are, and go from there.
Tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it yet. (((VHZ)))
1. Don't beat yourself up over it. :)
Make sure you get enough to eat.
Make sure it's not stress.
And make sure you have substitutions around and snacks. I think it sounds more that you wanted to snack or you were just hungry.
You seem like a perfectly nice and compassionate vegan to me. So don't feel guilty.
Based on this and some of your other posts, it sounds like you might be going through some stuff. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist right now? If not, you might feel better if you do. Mental health is as important as physical health, after all.
I agree with all the hugs here! If it weren't for the grief that you are feeling, these other problems would be unimportant. The strawberries may have even been covered in dark chocolate (that is the most common way of making them) and even milk chocolate in the grand scheme of things doesn't have much milk.
But, for your emotional and physical well being, you need to prevent having this happen to you in the future. Here are some thoughts that might help
Emotional: I suspect that in some strange way, you binged on the non-vegan foods for emotional reasons precisely because they weren't vegan. A lot of people feel compelled to do the things they feel most guilty about because a) the guilt makes them obsess about them and b) doing something they feel guilty about in a strange way confirms their feelings of dislike for themselves. So, feeling guilty is not only not productive, but it actually makes the problem worse. Forgiveness of yourself is not only good for you emotionally, but will help prevent future incidents.
Physical: It is likely that you are actually badly malnourished, and your body is desperate for food. Craving sugar and carbs is often a symptom of a protein deficiency. As others have said, you are probably also fat-deficient. Your body cannot use fat soluble vitamins (A,D,E and K) without some fat, so it may be desperate for those vitamins. Recovery programs (like AA) say that to prevent binges you should never allow yourself to get hungry, thirsty or tired. A good preventative might be to have, in addition to meals, a nutrition shake with vitamins and protein (like Balanced or any number of other vegan options) at least twice a day, preferably three times - to keep up your nutrient levels. This will help reduce cravings. I find a bowl of lentils often helps to reduce cravings, too.
Hope that helps - and hope you feel better soon!
crying while shoving strawberries in your mouth?! sorry if I don't join the hugfest here, but I think you seem like a drama queen. You know why to eat vegan-and if you really want to do it-do it! I have problems with eating at times-had a real bad day today-but I still binged on vegan foods. Out of control eating may be a medical or psychological issue for which you may need help, but OA or a counselor isn't geared toward making your food choices vegan-that is your choice alone. Maybe you need to re-examine whether you really want to be a vegan in the first place. You already know the truth about dairy, so you need to decide what's more important to you. sorry, but someone had to say this.
sorry, but someone had to say this.
:'(
I think if that's how you felt about her comments, silence would have been better. There's no reason to "beat up on" someone else.
It doesn't help anyone, and it isn't in the veg*n spirit, which respects and is kind to all living creatures- including humans.
sorry, but someone had to say this.
wow... actually, no one had to say that
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