so i'm... evil?
Posted by rachlove2 on Apr 22, 2007 · Member since Dec 2006 · 136 posts
My mom just blamed all my family's problems on me.. and said I have brainwashed her.. oh and that i was the reason that my brother and I don't have any friends at our new school. Wow, that's funny, because we had tons of friends at our old school!
I just don't understand, I thought she was starting to become much more vegetarian..
She said I don't have a boyfriend because I "scare them all away"
All I can do is laugh at her stupid, defenseless ass
Who defends factory farming????
sorry, i just needed to vent and write this out. i hate today.
that royally stinks. this should prompt you to bake something amazing (comfort food!!) and eat the entire thing to yourself. seriously, you will feel like a million bucks.
that's horrible? how can you're mom accuse you of stuff like that? it's annoying when people unrelated to you are not understanding, but when it's your family it is just wrong! especially when it's the adult who is making horrible accusations.
Hi, rachlove. It sounds like your mom just needed to vent, too, and you were the only one available at the moment. I know how it is because my mom is sick, and her temper is oftentimes bad, plus she was already a moody person. Try not to take it too hard, she may have been having a bad day. It's not a good excuse, but it does happen.
I'd take secondbase's advice and make something really good to eat. But instead of making it only for yourself, maybe you could make it for your mom, too. Tell her you realize that she had a bad day, and you wanted to make something to make her feel better. Showing her you're not only mature enough to let bygones be bygones, but to remain commited to your food choices is really important.
I think it was good to vent, and clear your head before seeing her again.
You are in high school? Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend? Focus on going to college. I wish I had! I'm turning 24 this year and stuck at a job that pays 8.90/hr. If I worried less about what friends and guys thought I would probably be in a better place. A few friends I didn't worry what they thought, those are the ones I still keep in contact with.
Please don't be concerned with this anymore. It is silly. Focus on your education and goals!
Wow... that stinks. It sounds like your mom is going through some things and unloaded everything building up inside of her about everything onto you and it didn't really have anything to do with you or your brother. That was really unfair for her to do to you.
I had also added, but removed, the same thing that danucal said.
Make something. Either have it be something special that's extra or omni-approved vegan side dishes for dinner (if you all eat together) and share it with her. It sounds like she needs some support that'll either be altruistic or purposeful. Altruistic if you just want her to feel better. Purposeful if you want to reduce her stress level so she doesn't turn your home into a war zone.
I think my mom is stressing out. I've been veg for a loong time, so I don't know why she's getting so wierd lately. I think it's because I'm 18, about to move out and everything. The tension in the house is palpable because I'm about to move away - it's a constant power struggle, now that I think about it. What should I make? She also said that she didn't like to eat what I eat.
Is there any crossover? If she likes things a little less healthy, make a vegan version of some nutritionally void food to meet her halfway.
I'm assuming you're the oldest? If so, then her first child is leaving home. After giving birth mothers can get postpartum blues. I think mothers get "prepartum" blues when a child is about to leave home, especially if it's their first-born. If you can't think of anything to make, give her a hug instead.
Altruistic if you just want her to feel better. Purposeful if you want to reduce her stress level so she doesn't turn your home into a war zone.
Exactly! Well said.
I think my mom is stressing out. I've been veg for a loong time, so I don't know why she's getting so wierd lately. I think it's because I'm 18, about to move out and everything. The tension in the house is palpable because I'm about to move away - it's a constant power struggle, now that I think about it. What should I make? She also said that she didn't like to eat what I eat.
Is there any crossover? If she likes things a little less healthy, make a vegan version of some nutritionally void food to meet her halfway.
I'm assuming you're the oldest? If so, then her first child is leaving home. After giving birth mothers can get postpartum blues. I think mothers get "prepartum" blues when a child is about to leave home, especially if it's their first-born. If you can't think of anything to make, give her a hug instead.
Yeah, don't make anything that is geared toward vegan tastes. It will scare her off, and might reinforce her feelings about vegetarian food. I agree with veganizing a favorite bad food.
Ha, but then again, if it's too late for a meal where you live, you might just try giving her a hug, like humboldt_honey said. You can always make her food later, it's just important to bring peace back into the house now.
i cant help but wonder if part of the reason she became veg was to bond with you. she knows you are moving out and her first strategy to console herself is to bond with you over something. since you are still going, or maybe the day is coming sooner, she has now switched strategies and is fighting with you to make it easier for both of you when you move out. i say "easier" meaning it is easier to get a little distance from someone you are not getting along with. maybe the fact that you are moving out is somehow tied to the fact that you dont have a lot of friends at your new school? are you moving to be closer to old friends? just a thought...
i see this as being a coping mechanism for her, but i could be wrong.
fiona
What your mom is doing is called transfer of affect--or projection. SHE is having a hard time adjusting (I take it you just moved, maybe she changed jobs?) so she is projecting her feelings on you. Why? Because you're close to her, and a girl, and she knows you won't rip her head off and hand it back to her. She can "get away with it" because she's your mom and in the back of her mind she knows you "have to" love her and put up with her. You're an easy target, kind of like throwing your teddy across the room.
She may also be menopausal, I don't know how old she is but I'm 45 and I AM and today has been like that children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Everything has gone wrong. Whenever I wanted something I either couldn't find it or it was broken or didn't work. The back came off my Complete Shakespeare and when I went to glue it on, the tube of glue was dry...and like that. BUT I remember my mother flying off the handle every five minutes, SO I just put it up and sucked it up! Hard to do unless you actively think about it and control your feelings and reactions.
And if you're moving, she is actually very upset because she will miss you...so she reacts with hostility because sadness is probably something she can't handle right now. ("How DARE you leave me!" And your response is understandably sort of: "Because you treat me like this....")
Not an easy time, but if you have the move all in place (you know where you're going and when) just try to hang tough. Cook for yourself and don't offer any to her, but don't make a fuss about not offering either, just put it on your plate and eat it like it's the most normal thing in the world.
Spoil yourself; get your nails done, or buy yourself that DVD you've been wanting...something that isn't food related, since food is ostensibly (though not really) the source of the tension.
((((Rachlove)))
I agree with everything YabbitGirl said, and I think she may be on to something, because I also thought of asking if your mother is menopausal. My mother, too, used to fly off the handle when she went through menopause. Afterwards, she would sincerely apologize and tell me that menopause made her feel out of control sometimes. After a while, I started to understand that she didn't really mean half the things she said to me when she got in one of her "moods." Especially because normally she was a wonderful person--generous and kind to a fault. So, if I saw an episode coming on, I would just shut myself in my room, pop on my giant Koss headphones, and listen to my records. ;)
Another thing I used to do when I was upset with my parents is write them a heartfelt letter. I know it sounds cheesy (maybe it is), but I found that it helped me to really take the time to think out what I wanted to say to them and explain it through writing in a caring manner. When my parents were in a calm mood I would give them the letter, walk away, and let them read it and think it over. I think they were appreciative of this, and though we didn't always agree in the end, they at least understood a lot better how I felt about things, and we ended up discussing stuff in a more rational, caring, and thoughtful way. Sometimes, strangely enough, kids have to be more mature than their parents. My parents didn't really understand why I was vegetarian either when I was a teenager. And now that I'm in my 30's, they don't understand why I am a vegan--ha! ;D But I know they love me no matter.
As a parent with 6, ages 10 to 24, 4 girls 2 boys...I have a lot of perspective from both sides.
My mother resents me, always has. She was 16 and she and my dad made me in the back of his Chevy. NOT my choice, NOT my decision, NOT my poor judgment...theirs! I have spent my live being blamed for my mom's health, although most of her problems stem from having had polio in 1952, nearly a decade before I happened along. I was blamed that my father mistreated her, but she mistreated him, too. I was blamed that my brother was miserable because of dad. I was even blamed from my brother's being gay! None of this is my fault, absolutely none of it. She used to say to me often: You'll grow up and have a daughter who will treat YOU the way that YOU treat me. Not exactly, I had 4 girls like me and yeah, they treat me with the same patience, forgiveness, love, care, attention and gentleness with which I treated my mother. I have had my oldest daughter tell me that her example was how I treated my own mom in face of so much anger, hatred and blantant mistreatment.
I have 2 grown sons, a girl who is graduating the top of her class next month and off to a full ride scholarship in the fall. Happy about half of them having flown the coup? Yes and no. For me, it is time to concentrate more on the younger ones to launch them too. Oldest son is married to a gal that none of us can even tolerate (he can't either some days) and I was not happy about it, but I have tried to be supportive. I just try to accept him for who and what he is and looking at it that way, he is a very, very wonderful man! My younger boy is taking longer to figure out who he wants to be and how he wants to do all that. My daughter is going to hard, but she is about 2.5 hrs in another state at college this fall. She'll probably be more of a mess than I will. I'll miss her, but she is a daughter, she will always be mine in a way my sons are not and should not be. (Mothers-in-law must not be the other woman in a marriage, I know, mine was.)
As I get carried away here, what I am trying to say and to explain is that building and maintaining a good relationship with your mom TAKES TWO. If she doesn't want to tango, you just have to accept that you two won't be dancing. It sucks, it is hard. They used to say that sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. NOTHING is more ridiculous. Words hurt most of all. Words are not forgotten and once something negative slips out, you can't take it back. IF she wants to alienate you, that is going to be hard for you, but eventually very painful for her. Adults have ways of gaining their own sense of who their are. They make their own choices and sometimes those choices include letting go of relationships with toxic parents. You are, at 18, considered to be in "emerging adulthood" until you are 25. This is a time to figure yourself out and you will. I wish she could be there for you, with you, enjoy you and approve of you however and whatever you grow into and respect YOU. If she can't, don't waste time wishing, but appreciate yourself, respect yourself, love yourself and approve of yourself. You are so very very worth it.
LadyDragonfly, I am so sorry you had to deal with that kind of crap growing up. :'( I admire you for coming out of it "clean," and becoming the better person. It's wonderful that you have been a great example for your children--you sound like a great mother. I have very close friends who have a parent (or parents) who verbally abused them growing up, and it's so awful. In these kinds of cases, I believe it's a good idea to fully detach oneself from the parent because life is just too short to keep on taking the abuse.
My mother had her bad moments during menopause, but overall she was/is a great mother and friend. Rachlove2, if your mother constantly verbally abuses the way you described, I would tend to agree with LadyDragonfly and everything she wrote.
LadyDragonfly, your story really touched me. I think my mother and I are entering a struggle that could last for a long time.. meanwhile, I can't wait to move out so I don't have to smell eggs and bacon (her dinner tonight)
I think she's cooking eggs and bacon to spite me. But I could just be extremely self-centered, hahah
Thanks for everyone's encouraging responses.. I'll be better soon
It seems to be unfortunately in the nature of families to be able to say the most hurtful things to you. I random stranger spouting the most hateful things possible could never wound so deeply. It sounds like your mom has what I call a "jugular" fighting style. I like to think that, when driven to infrequent verbal fisticuffs with my family, I specifically and consciously refrain from saying the most hurtful thing I can--the jugular move. My sister and dad, however, both share a fighting style that lets them go immediate for that, saying the worst things I can imagine. My sister once told me that I'm almost not even a person (which in my lexicon means vegan, queer, and politically sensitive). If your family is anything like mine, though, once they've said that most devastating thing they can, they're ready to move on, forgive and forget. Ugh. Hope I'm not projecting! Having been at the end of stuff like that, though, I can relate. Just keep your chin up. People who say that the years in high school are the best of your life are totally full of it. College rocks. Grad school rocks harder. Having your own place and your own life rocks the hardest of all. Just my two cents.
Very Good story and advice LadyD, especially the part about separating from 'toxic' parents. :-\
It's good to keep in mind, that even if someone is your parent, doesn't mean their a good parent, or even should have been a parent.
My sisters and I have a good relationship with our mother only as long as there is several hundred miles in between us and her. I feel bad for her sometimes, but I also know that she dug her own hole in this.
Hopefully, for rachlove2, it's just stress of you leaving the nest/menopause/whatnot. :)