So, they say my mom has 2-6 months to live.
I don't know what to think. Part of me doesn't believe it...someone has to be mistaken, right? They have been seeing wacky things for 2 years now, they even did exploratory pelvic surgery but they didn't find anything. Then last month- they did a biopsy on so masses they found in her breasts...I guess they say she has cancer all throughout her body.
She doest look sick...I cussed at her when she told me..."Stop yanking my f***ing chain! with this sh*t" (she kept going back and forth with what the doctors were saying...) to compound the issue...she and my dad have been separated for about two years now and of my three siblings and myself, I'm the only one who will talk with her. My siblings don't even like be to bring up her name in a conversation...She has instructed me not to discuss any of this with my father...so who can a I talk about it with...My therapist? 60 dollars and hour to spill to her and all I can do each week, when I'm there, is talk about my whiny little self...haha...erm...
I feel sad. But I also feel like I'm in denial...but part of be doesn't feel like I'm in denial...just like its REALLY not happening...But mostly, I feel like a bad daughter...and I feel really angry too. I'm not sure why life tends to go the way it goes? You know? And about going to school...well, i just don't think I want to with her ---you know--- I'd never be able to forgive myself for that-ever....plus- even though she didn't do somethings right, I still love her so very much...I mean, shes my mommy...you know? Haha- all this time and I haven't cried about it- nope, not once...but right now I have tears spilling into my lap.
I know that we are not really guaranteed even one day here on earth...so getting all upset about this might be futile anyways. And then there is the whole thing with what happens when we die..and my mom is saying she just doesn't know what to think of God anymore and that makes me feels scared. I know a lot of you don't believe in God...but, my mom taught me to love God. Now she says she doesn't know what to believe...I know a lot of you are atheist- but my mom never was before. Sometimes my words that used to bring (her) comfort about God and what the Bible says- just don't anymore..I don't know what to say to her now... She kinda scoffs a little bit when i mention it... What can I say- I love you, I guess.. :'(
Im sorry this post turned out longer than I meant it to. She told be two weeks ago.. :'(
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough to deal with her illness, but the family drama doesn't help. Is she going on hospice (sp?)? I know they could help ALL of you deal with this. I know things like denial and being angry with God are part of her dealing with her illness and possible death. I think they are normal, natural stages. It is a lot to deal with!
Oh Zealia. :'( I'm at a loss. But I'm sending loving thoughts you and your mom's way.
((((VHZ))))
I am so sorry. Lauranc said what I would have said, had she not beaten me to it. Denial and anger are normal, at this point. You have all of us Vegwebbers here for you if you ever need to vent.
It must be very hard to deal with this alone, without your family to support you and feel the same things. Your Vegweb family is here for you.
(((((VHZ))))) I hope that you and your mom find peace while dealing with this soon.
((((((Zealia)))))))
We'll be here for you Zealia, anything you need! Hugs, a shoulder to cry on, a wall to scream at, a bad joke to make you laugh--anything, just say the word and well get you what you need!
http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u278/xorachel32/flowers.jpg
Zealia, I just want you to know that you can always post here about whatever is on your mind, and I will personally do my best to hear you and comfort you whenever I can. (unless there are further changes to the Q&A board, in which case, we can be email pen pals, seriously). Also keep in mind that I will tend to talk about death in a pretty blunt way, as I have grown accustomed to in the past few years.
First, if you can take anything positive from this experience, consider yourself lucky that you have been given warning of your mom's condition, and that you can prepare yourselves for what is to come. I lost my mom two years ago very suddenly, and never really got to say goodbye. Your mom may have only a few months, so best you can do is try to make them the most precious few months of her life.
and on that note, talk with your mom about your continuing education. consider her wishes as well as your own needs. see if you can take the semester (and possibly the next) off and come back, if that's what's best.
Both of you should learn as much as you can about her condition, including all the nitty gritty details and medical terminology. Understanding this thing completely will help you both to accept it, and it will make talking with doctors a lot easier--they'll take you more seriously if you're more "to their level". It's also never too early to discuss plans for her treatment, advance directives, and all the legal issues...and of course, funeral arrangements. There will be an enormous amount of paperwork and other crap to deal with, but take advantage of the fact that your mom is still alive and able to make these decisions for herself--that makes it a lot easier.
Your mom's comfort is a priority...so if talking about God and praying for her brings no comfort (or brings discomfort), just keep it to yourself and allow that to bring YOU the peace and assurance you need...if you're worried about what will happen to her if she doesn't fully accept and love God before she dies, well, I don't know if anyone else can convince her to do so. It might just be something only she can do for herself. otherwise, just ask her what she needs and wants from you, and do your best to achieve it. I'm sure the most she'll demand of you is to be a loving daughter, and that will obviously be easy enough for you!
I really hope you and your family can put aside any grudges and come together in this most important time. I have no advice on how to make that happen except to be completely open about this with everyone.
again, anything else you need, any questions, complaints or whatever, we're here for you.
(((((((((((((((Zealia))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry, Zealia. It's so horrible that she won't let you tell anyone. I don't know what all "went down", but I'm sure if they knew the situation, your family would pull together at least some. They may be upset with her, but if they knew that her time was limited, would they change their behavior toward her? It's times like these that families make amends and realise how important they are to each other. As hard as it is on you, I'm glad that your mom has you to be with her.
I'm sending you good vibes and prayers. Try to stay positive and take care of yourself.
zealia,
love, i'm heart-broken for you! i understand how devastating it is to hear that kind of news, and the helplessness that can encompass you. especially when the one that you love whom is going through it has their faith waiver. but, as long as there is any faith, even the size of a mustard seed, mountains can be moved. mountains moved doesn't mean healing always, but it definitely does mean comfort and the assurance of comfort.
email me if you want, my email is the same as my member name at gmail.
or email me through myspace, my myspace name is "carmen"--we're already friends!
love
carmen
Sorry, zealia. I didn't read through the long posts (no offence anyone). But I found out my mom is sick as well. Not cancer, but enough to make me :'( all night long. BUT I did have cancer. Mine was taken care of by surgery (God, I still think I'm the lucky one). So, I know what you are going through. Bless you for keeping in contact with your mom. That's most important. I don't talk to my siblings because of my dad's death (they never ..... well that's another thread). But my mom is the most important person in my life besides my husband. So Don't loose that, no matter how sick she gets. This sounds grim, but believe me, you won't regret it. Give her lots of hugs while she's here. You and your mom are in my prayers.
(((zealia)))
i am so sorry to hear about your situation. i can not offer much advice but i am sending good thoughts to you and your mom.
I'm so very sorry you're going through this, Zealia. I've gone through this with both of my parents. Even if you don't feel you can talk openly to your mom or say the right things, simply being there for her is all that matters. I had more peace when my mom (a devout Catholic) passed because in time she came to a place where she could talk openly about her own peace with her illness, along with God and her angels :). (Today happens to be the 6th year anniversary of her passing). My father, on the other hand, though religious, never opened up the way my mom did and all I could do was hold his hand and wonder what he was thinking about it all. Your mom needs time to process this, so just know that your presence alone is making a difference.
You've gotten some really good advice from your VegWeb friends. Learn all you can about her illness. I agree with taking time off school to be with her. Enjoy these precious moments together, not only for your mom, but it will help in your own healing. Help her to stay positive - miracles do happen.
You're in my prayers, Zealia.
big hugs zealia, big hugs
(((((Zealia)))))
So sorry to hear about your mom. I would second what Lauranc said about Hospice. There are some really great people who work there and will be able to help you and your mom deal with everything that is happening and to make your mom comfortable in the end. Also to help you deal with the eventual loss. My mom worked for 2 different ones here in Michigan and I know through experience that they help you with all the heart and compassion as if it was their own relative.
My other suggestion would be to write a letter to your mom telling her everything you can't say to her directly. Her reading it may open a discussion and that way you won't be left with any regrets.
Again, so sorry Zealia. I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts. Take care.
Zealia my dear - I don't know you very well, but what a horrifying situation to find yourself in. My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you,and will be every day. I don't know if there's anything I can add to what other people said, but do keep close to your Mum just now. Problems with each other aside, it's a very hard and lonely road she's going down just now - she needs you.
Don't know how it works in the US, but the hospices here all have chaplains and counselling staff attached. I'm sure that if you made an appointment with one of them (hopefully hospice counsellors don't charge over there!) you would be able to talk freely and 'download' some of what you're feeling. Or the chaplain might be a better option. What about your own pastor/minister/church leader? They're there to care for their flock. As for the rest of your family, they are the ones who will have to live with their consciences in the end. i fear though, that they might be very angry with you for not letting them know. Do they not deserve a chance to make their peace with her before the end? Maybe you could put that to her.
I'm thinking of you - Catriona
Don't know how it works in the US, but the hospices here all have chaplains and counselling staff attached. I'm sure that if you made an appointment with one of them (hopefully hospice counsellors don't charge over there!) you would be able to talk freely and 'download' some of what you're feeling.
That's a really great suggestion. Hospice was there when my grandfather had cancer. They were as supportive of my grandfather as they were the rest of the family. They were knowledgable about care, patient moods, and were a great at listening to the family if anyone needed to talk. Plus, if there is family drama, they'd be removed from that. Your mom's insurance or medicare/medicaid (can't remember how two are different) should cover the expense.
Her doctor's office should know of local hospice centers. There're both in-home hospice and hospice homes, depending on the circumstances. Here's a short fact sheet about them: http://www.pcoa.org/pathfinders/Group%20B/11.Bro.EndofLife.Hospice.htm. It also has a link to where you can search for hospices near you.
Awww (((((((((Z))))))))))) :'( :'(
I wonder if telling your mom that you'd like to mention it to your father and siblings so that YOU would have someone to talk about it with might help? She may not be thinking that you need support too.
Zealia, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.
Oh Zealia, I'm so sorry to hear this terrible news. Big hugs coming your way.
Zealia, I am so sorry. :'(
There is some great advice already posted & the only thing I can think to add is, just treasure each day that you have together. Some of my fondest memories of my mother are ones that just the two of us shared during the final stages of her illness. Simple things like watching a sunset or playing with the dog are memories that last for me.
Sending big hugs & positive energy for you & your mother.
Thanks guys- really is some good advcice here. I hadn't event hought about Hospice. My Grammy was on hospice last year and they really were great. Although I didnt take advatnage of the services they offered for my Gram- I might this time.
Right now she is not taking calls from me. I wonder if I should stop by her house (she is my only family member who lives here in town- well, besides my dads extended family.) It's kind of a tricky situation becasue my mom has some brain damage and is not really capable of relaying info very effectivly. She also can become really irrational and hard to deal with. She has case managers and social workers who she gets with on a regular basis- and I think sometimes they are in touch with her doctors too. im wondering if I can arrange to go to a doctors appointment with her so i can get a better idea about what is really happening. I think after I know a little more I will speak with my siblings and father about it.
Other than that right now, Im ODATing it-- (One Day At a Time, that is- for my non 12 steppin' friends!) Thanks again guys!
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