Okay, before i was able to speak with my professor I had to go to the guidance office and the woman who i spoke with was possibly the biggest bitch Ive ever had to deal with. She actually told me i should give up becasue there is now way my GPA would ever be able to recover, ever. I told her that was not an option. I don't give up  and that I'd take the class ten times if I had to.She also said that my 3.9 from my old college was not going to do any good for me anymore. Then I asked specifically about the retake policy and she got really pissed like I'm trying manipulate the system. She said that if i retake the class my new grade would REPLACE my old grade (ie it would not even factor into my GPA) I also asked about the possibility of withdrawing at this point in the semester and she reluctantly agreed to give me the papers to give my professor.

It wasn't so much what she was saying, but more the way she was saying...Id actually had to deal with this woman when ai first signed up and she was a bitch then too. I think she must hate people who want to go into the medical field because she has a grudge against the Drs who could not remove the stick from her butt becasue it was shoved up there too far...

ANYWAYS, after that I went to my professor, who made me stand outside his office for 20 minuets without acknowledging me becasue he was having a social conversation with his co-workers. I thought for SURE he was giving me the cold shoulder becasue of how awful i did. He's been pretty belligerent in the past too (towards students who he didn't think should be in the class for whatever reason.)  Anyways, when he finally saw me and I told him why i was there his jaw dropped. He was SHOCKED at my grade. I'd had the best grade in the class on a number of tests. He wanted to pull out my paper to see if there had been a mistake but didn't have it in the office. But I told him I was pretty sure I had really don't badly (I knew I did not do well but i did not think I got a 52, just after the test) So He asked what happened and told him that I was working a full time job plus a part time job and juggling a medical condition on top of it.

This is the total truth. I have become so consumed by my eating disorder lately that I can hardly function, i barely make it to/through work everyday and I have absolutely no ability to concentrate. Its not so much that I'm engaged in the behaviors (although there is some of that), but just the battle in my mind. When I started the semester i was getting 90s and 100s left and as the semester progressed and my ED got more uncontrollable and my work schedule more over whelming...my grades have been slipping. (I did not give him so much detail but also did not allow him to think it is at all more serious than it is) Anyways, it turns out I am going to have a D in the Lab portion of the class...so technically he has the choice whether to fail me automatically or not...but he said based on ALL my other grades, he would not fail me. If I get an 80 or higher on the lecture final then I will get a C+ minimum in the class so I can apply for the nursing program. He further went on to say that if i needed to extend my testing time due to my ED, then he would allowe to take the final at the start of the next semester!!!!He also said that he was not opposed to fudging a grade by a point or two to get a C+ The whole time he was going over the plan with me I felt kinda bad becasue i feel like I DESERVE to fail. I feel like a lazy, no good bum (Oh, did I mention I have a hard time distinguishing between my worth as a person and my grades???) BUT Then he told me that he thinks I'm smart and that I CAN do this. I obviously had a lot on my plate and he does not think that should effect my grade. The way he was talking about it, he half sounded like he wanted to throw out my Lab final becasue he does not feel it was an accurate picture of my "potential" (of course he CANNOT do that because it would not be fair) So somehow I left feeling a little less like pond scum that deserved a cosmic beating....I dunno.

SOOOOOOO....I really have to study....I'm not gonna be around much the next few days. I feel so relieved. As things stand I will either get an 80 or higher on teh final and not have to retake the class, or I will not and I will retake it in summer school this semester.

Thanks guys for trying to get me to see the light.LOL...its like my head goes into a stutter when stuff like this happens and instead of putting it into perspective "I failed a test/class. It sticks, I think I could have done better"  my mind automatically goes to"You are a terrible waste of a human being and should be disgusted and ashamed of yourself!!!You will never amount to anything becasue you are worthless..." bla bla bla...not true...still working on those demons 9honestly this reaction was mild compared to the self deprecation i have got into int eh past)...Thank you everyone for the encouragement!!