Im an evil, cheating, hypocritical vegan
:'( I am really upset right now. I keep "slipping up" and eating things with animal product in it. It started Friday with a huge binge on chocolate covered strawberries at one of my jobs- Edible Arrangements. I was like crying shoving strawberries into my mouth, willing myself to stop. I was litterally out of control. My mind was shouting "no, put that down! Animals were harmed in the making of that food! Think of the cow, and her 3-4 babies that she had before her mericless slaying. Think of the babies that were tortured and killed! Stop it. Please stop..." I was crying so hard I was chocking on them, but I still kept eating them. It was like my body was on autopilot... I thought maybe I had that experience because I hadn't been eating enough, so I went to taco bell and ordered a bean burrito. But tehy put cheese and sour cream on it- instead of "no cheese, no sour cream" SO I went back and told them NO cheese NO sour cream and made them give me another one. I felt I should have jsut eaten in anyways becasue I had already dairy, but I still dont want to eat dairy...So they made one for me without the sour cream and cheese but (the idiots) substituted ANIMAL FLESH for beans. So I gave up and gave the burritos to my sister.
Then, last night and this morning I worked at my nursing home job, where I have to prepare nonveg foods. And all night I was craving Butter so badly. I don't even like butter! So I was downing pieces of toast smothered in butter. I was also craving potato chips, (another food I do not like) so I was eating tons of those, but at least they are vegan...
Every time I slip up and eat this stuff I cry and swear to myself that I wont do it again. I remind myself of why I became vegan in the first place (after just being vegetarian for 8+ years I went vegan for animal rights) I know giving up eggs and dairy has been pretty tough cause I relied so heavily on them before I was vegan. I like them, but I NEVER like meat...it was the most unnatural thing in the world to me. I love being vegan. I don't believe my body NEEDS eggs or dairy. In fact, having been vegan, I have been able to figure out I have been pretty allergic to dairy all these years. Whenever I slip up I pay for it...and not just a stomach lactose intolerance, there is also the insomnia, moodiness, and body aches...
Guys, I need to figure out how to STOP eating this stuff. Please help! Ive tried keeping cliff bars on hand for when I get hungry but that hasn't worked so far.I have thought about keeping graphic pictures in my pocket of what happened to make my butter, to the animals, but I think I might just terrorize myself with that. Considering what happened on Friday with the strawberries. :'( :-X :'( :-X :'(
:'( :'( :'(
I just did an informal survey of men I know, who aren't bashful at saying it the way they think it, and there was a 100% response rate that they wouldn't talk to anyone other than a close friend that way, if talking crap to each other was part of their banter.
There are guys out there like that.I've seen it.
There are guys out there like that.I've seen it.
Yeah, I know. The survey among my friends was a bit slanted, because I wouldn't have friends like that. I've seen angry people, too. I see them being really obnoxious to their friends and dates. I've always wondered why the people being bashed about don't just go get different friends. Anger used as a tool for power and control is disturbing.
Zealia, I have had an eating disorder and I think this binge has something to do with your ED. When I was hospitalized for my ED, I met some bulimics who would just binge on any food around them and wouldn't care if they liked the food or not. It was something that was there in front of them. Don't be so hard on yourself. Recovering from an ED is extremely dificult and can take years to a lifetime to fully recover from.
My doctor used to work with ED patients in a hospital and says that there was some research going on about a refeeding syndrome. There was a study done that when people were starved for some time, they started to binge eat when food was available. I had the same problem when I came out of the hospital. I was hospitalized for anorexia and when I came out, I started binging to the point that my stomach ached tremendously. I felt so out of control that anything put in front of me I would eat and eat nonstop.
Whenever you starve yourself for a while your setting yourself up for a binge and I finally have learned that. I would never eat lunch but by the time dinner came around, I couldn't stop eating because I was so hungry. Are you eating well rounded meals throughout the day? It was hard for me to get lunch into my diet but I was glad that I did because know I don't feel like binging at night.
Your binging also could have a lot to do with stress and the amount of "you" time your not getting in your day. I say take a day off from work and center yourself around others you love, your chickens and dogs or anyone, and do things you enjoy doing and try to get your mind off of food. Enjoy life and nature around you and see the beautiful qualities inside of you. Don't put yourself down. You are loved by many people here and being vegan doesn't define you. It's okay to mess up. We all do it. Take your time and be gentle to yourself. I wish you all the luck and love.
P.S. Sorry this is so long! I had so many things to say! :)
No Nessa...it wasn't long. It was just right, and just what I needed to hear. :)
Guys, today is a beautiful, new morning. I watched the sun rise as I took my doggies out and fed my chickens. I stopped at a coffee shop on the way into work and enjoyed a drink, ate some raisins and almonds and read my Bible (which I find soothing and uplifting) . I feel refreshed today and I'm not sure why. My group last night didn't go so well...the dietitian was saying things that I thought were really dangerous to say to a room full of anorexics and bulimics. I left feeling worse than when I went in....but what it did do was remind me how loooooooong this disorder can go on if I don't actively fight it. There are women in my group who have had their disorder for over 30 years (not to suggest they are not fighting hard enough or anything.) So, with that in mind. I am going to *try* to be good to myself today. Thank you again guys...so, so much! Book mama is right that we get other kinds of support here- although I thought of this topic as a vegan one at first, I'm glad you guys were willing to share that you thought there was something more going on. This is the sort of thing I really don't have anyone to talk with in my non virtual life. Its hard to figure things out when the only opinion or prospective you have is your own!
(((((VEGWEBERS)))))
Glad to hear that you're doing better - keep fighting the good fight! :)
Pages