Unless I'm behind the closed doors of my house, I can't bring myself to eat. It's an eating disorder thing :( Social apprehension at eating in front of other people. I can manage eating in front of my mom okay, and sometimes my sister on a good day, but I can only pick at food in front of my dad and brother. Outside of my house, I just can't eat at all. I get so sick at just thinking about trying :(

secondbase: It's okay, you didn't come across as being insensitive to me :)

Carrot_Wench: It sounds like you really understand where I'm coming from. I traveled with a band for a couple of years, sometimes we went on week long tours and I just fasted the whole time because of this anxiety. Just sitting with them while THEY ate made me sick to my stomach and the after show parties were the worst. I often just sat in another room or sometimes in the van. After the band broke up, I felt like maybe this would kind of get better since I wouldn't be faced with it so much, but that never works out. Another thing that's really hard for me is to eat when my dogs are looking at me, isn't that crazy?? Ugh. I know what you mean, though, and I hate being this anxious because I remember when I was really little, I always had the stereotypical image of being a teenager and pigging out with my friends. I'm 21 years old now and I never pigged out once with anyone. Thanks for telling me where I can go for some troubleshooting tips on making the cake vegan and healthier, I'm still kind of finding my way around here. Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it!!

thedharmablues: Thanks for your sympathy. I'm sorry to hear about your friends! This really is difficult :( I had a little bit of counseling back in February of this year, but it was at a mental health clinic that didn't have a counselor on staff to specialize in EDs, so I ended up mainly going there to have them treat my depression (I refused to take meds). They gave me a referral for a couple of clinics, but as I'm not in school right now and I don't have a job (because my EDs have gotten worse and my mom pretty much keeps me at home), so I'm not on an insurance plan. My aunt recently gave my mom a number for a counselor that practices about 45 minutes away that isn't insanely expensive, he bases his price on the household income, so I'm going to try to get in to see him and hope that I can get some help that way. I've tried online support groups, too, but once I log off, I tend to forget about what I "learn" there and get lost in my own little world of self-destruction again.

VHZ: I really wouldn't mind baking again; I've always loved the art of baking and that was one of the first things that told me something was really wrong with me when I stopped because I was scared. The fear does come in worrying about if I'm going to lick the bowl or eat too much of the cake or whatever, the typical fears that define this illness. I think I might be able to suck it up and go with my mom to the party and just deal with my anxiety for an hour, and last night in bed, I even flat out told myself that I could bake my cake and eat it, too, if I so choose to do so (talking about a swift kick to EDs butt!), but when I started to consider it seriously, I found it hard to breathe. I think it would be triple amazing, too, to actually do this. And now that C_W has told me about where I can go to check out and see if there is a way to make the cake vegan and maybe even make it healthier, I might be able to get one victory, no matter how small, out of this. So complicated! :(

Breathing is a good idea!! It's ridiculous how much I've been freaking about this :( My mom asked me this morning if I was going to do it and I had a severe mood swing. She said in return, rather loudly, "Calm down! It's not that big of a deal!"

I just need to get a grip :(

I think it would be a good idea, too, and I've been looking into how to veganize the recipe and make it healthier to maybe urge me into just doing it, wouldn't anyone else just DO it? And it's like you said, I don't have to eat it and I probably won't. But just making the cake would be a small baby step, a small start for something, and it would make my mom happy. And my mom will be in the kitchen with me, so I can hand it over to her if I get too overwhelmed. I can even brew me a cup of tea, so anytime I feel like I'm ready to stick my head in the batter bowl, which I know would lead me into a binge-&-purge (and I don't want that), I can just sip on the tea instead. Or have my mom cut my hands off.

I just love my mom so much and she's been asking me and asking me about it all week and I just feel like I owe this to her, I guess that's why I'm so uptight about it.

A cyborg koala attack!! *Crawls under table*

Oooo, thank you, do share! I have a yoga deck at home, kind of a like "YOGA FOR IDIOTS" kind of thing, and the breathing exercises are my favorite.

i really want to reply with something to help you, but i find threads like this triggering to my own ED that i've somehow semi-conquered in the past.  i probably shouldn't have opened it in the first place.

i'm sorry, that sounds mean.  i don't mean it to be.

just breathe, kiddo.  you'll make it through this.

*insert other peptalk words here*

It doesn't sound mean, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I duck out of certain websites for weeks to recover from triggering threads, posts, whatever. I really think that's one of the worst things about eating disorders; it seems that every little thing can set you off. And I was really surprised when I started getting involved in the forums because it seems like there are a lot of vegans here who are or have been battling an eating disorder.

I appreciate it, though, I did make it through.

To those who are wondering how this turned out, I HAD to veganize the recipe because we got home and my mom found out that she didn't HAVE any eggs. So I tried to veganize the recipe and bake the cake and it was a disaster. All I made was a big mess in the kitchen, batter got flung all over the walls (dumb hand mixer!) and the cake turned out clumpy. I felt like such a failure, I started crying over this horrible cake, and my mom was trying to comfort me, telling me that I tried my best, that I just didn't know much about baking was all, which is the truth, and then she said that she could swing by the store and pick something up on her way to work like a bag of chips, that it was no big deal. Then she went to move the cake plate from the counter to the table and she said, "Whoa, I think this cake weighs more than you do." We just looked at each other for a few seconds and then we both burst into hysterical laughter. So all's well that ends well, I guess, but it's going to be a long time before I try to do anything else in the kitchen. Bleeeeh!!