Just met my future in-laws (HELP!)
Okay, okay- so around this forum, I am NOT alone... but here in good ol' Baton Rouge, I feel SO out of place. :(
I guess I just need some positive words from folks who understand, and I apologize if you're all getting way too many posts about this.
My boyfriend of four years just told his parents about me (that's a long story)... and of course it was bound to be tough. I knew that. I mean, "Hey mom, dad, I met a girl. A long time ago. I'm gonna be getting engaged sometime in the not-so-far-future... so I just thought you should meet her. By the way, she's vegetarian."
Come on, I knew what was coming, right?
Well... I expected the general reaction to be much worse... the whole "Where the hell have you been hiding a girlfriend in the same city for over a year???" but that turned out not so bad. It very quickly evolved to "What are we going to feed this perfect stranger you're in love with?" "Is she going to look at us funny if we eat meat?" "Why doesn't she eat meat?" "She's not one of those "vegans" is she?" (I'm not, but I felt the "bad rap" when he told me they asked that) "Well, we don't want to make her bring her own food, but we can't even cook green beans for her since we put bacon in them." "I just don't know if I'm comfortable with her depriving you of meat in your own home." (He and I live with a no-meat-in-the-apartment agreement and he did inform his mom that she doesn't really HAVE to be comfortable with it)
I mean... come ON people. What am I supposed to do? These are my future in-laws. They're already wary of me. His dad seems fairly cool and just wants to figure out how to make me feel comfortable and welcome I guess, but his mom is the one asking him why he can't eat meat in his own home if he wants. Well, thanks, future-MIL, he never even brought it up until YOU stuck your nose in. Now we had to re-hash our previous compromise just to end up at the same conclusion.
It seems she hates everything about me... right down to the veggie burger on my plate. I just want to break down in tears, and I'm a tough girl. I guess I forgot that my diet would be a point of stress. I'm completely unprepared for this. I know I should NOT go buy my boyfriend's mom a vegetarian cookbook... everything I do seems to give her the impression that I'm a control-freak (so what if I am?) and she doesn't want to seem like a witch by saying I should bring my own food... which I would understand completely and wouldn't mind doing for a while anyway! I would bring a dish to share, really! It would be fine.
But I can't talk to her... we're not comfortable with each other, although she does her best to make me feel welcome I just know I'm not... which is really weird because her son and I have been in love so long we're already family... but I'm not part of his.
Grr.
Sorry to vent here, but I thought maybe someone out there might have some advice for me. How do you be as nice as possible to a woman who isn't ready to let her oldest son have a relationship, and downplay your diet so that it doesn't end up at the center of future issues? I'm sure women have been dealing with mothers-in-law like this since the beginning of time, but I never have.
Help!
:'(
I think you should have your boyfriend tell his mom that you don't want this to be an issue and that you don't mind bringing your own food. She can purchase a veggie burger if she insists.
Other than that, I wouldn't worry too much about her not liking you. Let her meet you and discover that you're awesome. ;)b
I agree with ck. Offer to bring your own food, or an omni-friendly side dish to share. The good news is that you don't have to do that much. If you've lived in the same city for three years and haven't had to deal with them yet, then plan this like a business meeting, get through it, and be done with them.
Make a batch of super yummy cookies, and bring your own food (cookies for them of course). Hopefully your bf can explain to your future MIL that yes, she can make green beans, it's simple... leave out the dead animal parts. And yes, I'm hoping she'll realize how awesome you are when she meets you, but to be honest, things might not change. Unfortunately, some people are just so stuck in their naive little world full of misconceptions and incorrect information, that they'll just never get unstuck. I'm also doing a hmmmm, on the not telling them about you for this long. If his parents are kinda weird (or maybe just the Mom), I can totally understand it. That's probably another thing she's freaking out about.
Don't forget, you're gonna marry him, and although they come w/ the package, you're marrying HIM. I love my future FIL, but omg, the MIL, yeah, that will just never be a good thing. thankfully, my bf and I and all his siblings agree too. Good luck, and just be polite, smile... you can never go wrong with being nice.
Ah, mothers in law. Especially those mom's to little boys who she never wanted to let go of. Joy. No woman could ever be good enough for those types of mothers because they feel their place is being usurped.
Your options; be polite and distant. Ask your boy to tell his mother you can bring your own food. Use him as a go between. Even if it results in rehashing old well established agreements, again.
Or you can be polite and up front. Very very politely reassure her that you would never dream of pressuring her into cooking for you. That you will bring something for yourself that will fit the menu of the evening so she does not have to go out of her way. This is what I consider the best way, personally, for me to broach the subject. Dont let her walk on you, but let her know that you do NOT want to be an imposition and will gladly lighten her load by bringing your own food. This gives her an out and it allows you to introduce them both to fabulous vegan foods.
Bring dessert even if you know she has a pie and ice cream. Cupcakes or cookies will simply round out the offerings. If they are having lasagna, make a lovely veggie lasagna. If they are having ham, make something awesome like a seitan roast (small) and scalloped potatoes. If they are having something you have never eaten before do some research and pick something that may slide right beside it on a plate without anyone raising an eyebrow. So that they can try your great veggie dish without it throwing off the flavor of the meal.
Good luck! It can work. It just takes a lot of effort on your part to be super polite even when she is catty.
MD, just remind me- how long was it before you weren't the "new kid in the family" anymore?
4+ years of minimizing contact? I already did that! :-D
I think the part I have the most trouble with is the thinking "it might never change. She might always see me as competition for her son's love." I want it to change. But he and his sister both agree, their mom is more than a bit crazy. If THEY think that... what's in store for me?
:o
that's exactly what I've gone through w/ my future MIL. It's been almost 4 years, and she's finally changing... a bit. We (as in my bf as well, he can't stand her, his older brother literally hates her, and yeah, she's pretty damn hard to handle) try to limit contact. Everyone else in the family loves me, especially Grandma. Anyway, the fact that her son and his sister think she's a bit crazy... it's pretty obvious that you're coming in to a situation that from the get go is going to be a sticky one. It sucks, there's no way around it, you just need to live your life, w/ your man, and hope that her madness doesn't involve you too much. It's not fun, but maybe you'll move far far away from her, and will never have to deal with it. Just grit your teeth and smile... :D
Maybe invite them over for dinner? I know this would be stressful for you, but if having a good relationship with his family is important to you there will be stress. I think it helps to extend yourself sometimes, too. I know this sit. is difficult, but I think it's best if you just continue to try and make it work, for you bf's sake. Focus on the positive stuff... at least they are welcoming and at least this is just about the food and something that is strange to them (and will get more normal the more they are exposed to it) and not about your personality. If they don't come around, I think it's best to continue to act sweet and normal, as difficult as that is, and let it be their problem and not yours. I know this sucks and totally is not the way you imagine the relationship with your loved one's family to be, especially because you want to have a good relationship with his family for him as well. All you can do is show them they have no reason to not be accepting and carry on like you normally would. I'm sorry it didn't go better.
They're called "in-laws" for a reason. The reason is, in law, you can't kill them without going to jail. >:D
Of course you know I'm just kidding. Of course you do.
Instead of having them over at your place, is there an omni-friendly veg restaurant in town you could invite her to have lunch at? Then you could have a talk with her about your diet (focus on the health benefits, and what you can eat, and can't, how you go about cooking meals, etc... not moral issues...wait 'till the third or fourth time around you have the discussion.TRUST ME!!) and let her know how much you love her son and value him and his relationship with her.... Restaurant and Lunch are seen much less threatening to MIL's and family members that way....they don't have to worry about whether or not they should bring a side dish (after all, how are you supposed to cook w/o meat???), wine, gift, etc....all you need to bring is yourself and an hour or so to talk over some food that neither party had to stress over!!
If, after/during the lunch, you decide to invite her over to dinner, I suggest making Eggplant Parmesan for dinner....VERY omni friendly!! also, I've won over the hearts of a few SO's moms (one was even Italian!!) with that dish, and have a nice side salad then, with garlic bread, and for desert, tiaramisu, you should have the mom satisfied and the rest of the family so impressed they will want you to stay forever!!!
Wow.. that's a tough situation. I guess I'm blessed that my future MIL & FIL have always been cool with my near-veganism and have always been accomodating (a lot of the time we just end up eating pasta with jarred marinara sauce at their house, but I'm fine with that!!). Is there any way you could just minimize the dietary part of your life when interacting with them? Even compliment her cooking (i.e. "Wow! You must have worked so hard on this meal!")? Maybe they'll see it as less of a threat when they realize that you aren't going to be making a big deal out of it or think any less of them for eating meat. If they don't want you bringing over food for yourself, try to reframe it as something like "I've had this recipe I've been wanting to try, I'd love to make it and bring it to share" so that it's about *you* and not about anything that your MIL is doing right/wrong.
Life is certainly easier when you get along with the in-laws, but plenty of relationships have survived with in law tension.
They're called "in-laws" for a reason. The reason is, in law, you can't kill them without going to jail. >:D
Of course you know I'm just kidding. Of course you do.
I love you, Yabbit. :)>>>
I really appreciate everyone's suggestions. I will certainly take the Eggplant Parmesan idea and run with it! I have only had that a few times, but LOVED it! I should... you know.... "practice". ie: eat it a lot more often.
Please, continue to share ideas and experiences- it really is making me feel better. Some days you know it just feels like the end of the world.
:P
I'm so sorry, JC...what a bummer :-\
I've been putting off visiting my boyfriend's (of 5 years) dad's side of the family since I became vegan over a year ago. They've always loved me and are very nice people, but VERY un-vegan. We're going to WY for their annual family reunion and it could be interesting. They're having burgers the first night, a walleye fry the next night, and probably meaty/cheesy sandwiches for lunches. Luckily Josh has agreed to just stay for 2 nights instead of 3, but I'm so worried his grandma (who is seriously the spitting image of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond) is going to make a huge deal out of it and his uncles are going to be assholes. I'm going to bring lots of food for me (which will probably piss off his grandma, but I need to eat), so hopefully it'll be OK.
Ugh...I guess I can't avoid them forever, and I guess you can't avoid your in-laws either, JC, as much as you'd like to. I think the idea of meeting them at a veg and omni-friendly restaurant is a great idea so they can see that you can eat a lot of things, just different things.
Oh, back to Josh's dad's side, one of his uncles runs a hunting guide business and this is what their vests look like...awesome >:( :
Maybe you should become vegan to spite them? and other reasons ;)
I have multiple issues with my MIL also (NVR), but I've learned to just go about my life. She doesn't have to be your best friend, or your "mother."
You just go on being with your bf as you have been doing (living your lives)...be polite....and so on. MAYBE at some point you can have a conversation with them...and maybe they would open their (her) minds a bit, but that's in the future. With time she will realize that it's not at all going to be a big deal........she was probably just in shock all around? I dunno..try not to let it get you too down though (as annoying as it is).
:)
This was not at all profound..but it's what I got for ya!
Yeah, just don't let the issues with the in laws interfere with your relationship with your BF. It's easy to let them interfere, but he's probably embarrassed that his parents are treating you like that.
And I wouldn't be too concerned with being super duper nice to them. Be respectful and not rude, but I think it's unfair that you have to be out of your way nice to them when they are so critical of you and won't even take the damn bacon out of green beans. This is stubborn Kim talking here, but I was a "nice girl" all through high school and partly through college and got walked all over too many times. So now I'm much more genuine (good in some ways, not so good in others). Respectful, but genuine. I'm much happier and my relationships healthier.
Great advice from all of the posters. My MIL was not thrilled with me because my husband is an only child and I came along and he was not there when she called. This caused a lot of problems at the beginning of our relationship. We even went to blows briefly--not the Jerry Springer stuff! When we got married, she became my MOM. She started taking me places with her and introducing me to her friends and I was hanging out with them on a regular basis. HER friends ask about me more than they do her son!!! I went veg a few times before and she was supportive. I finally went veg full time and she is still my MOM and I am still her DAUGHTER. Be nice to her and show how your lifestyle is not a threat to her or her son. It is going to take some craftiness on your part, but you can do it. ;)b
um....this may not be what you WANT to hear/read.....BUT with the exception of two people, I never knew my mom's side of the family....for personal/legal reasons, my parents thought it best to cut ties with them (especially her mom!!)...from the two I knew...I can see why.... So if worst comes to worst, it IS possible to have a "happy" family minus one side. Just 'cuz they're your in laws doesn't mean you have to talk to them.... EVER it is just a piece of paper.
You married him to be with him.
He married you to be with you.
Everyone else is negotiable.
I had a very close, unhealthy relationship with my mother. My DH bore with his mother but she lived right next door (and if you wound her up she'd come right back in and rearrange things to suit herself). First I left the cult I was raised in, and went from Favourite Child to Bitch of the Year in one fell swoop. That took care of my side of the family. Then, his mother went out of town to live with his sister...and suddenly everyone else discovered what a "joy" she was. He still visited her for a couple of hours every week or so until she died about 6 years ago.
Now, we seldom see his sister since his only brother died last year. But we are together, and now that he is retired, we have rediscovered the reasons we married--to do things together. We respect each other's space but we'd really rather be with each other than anyone else. Really.
It can be done.
a lot of sound advice here. Ranu made a good point, that over time they will likely get used to your veg*nness. with the news of you and their son, they were given a lot of information, and like others also said, that you're also a vegetarian may seem like a threat to them-- after all, they don't know much about you yet except this, and as you know many people have negative preconceptions and stereotypes about veg*ns. once they get to know you i'm very sure that things will be better. also, i like hanashi's advice of going out to eat instead of cooking for them (at least at first). from what you say it sounds like if you invite them over and cook all vegetarian they may find a way to see it as offensive.