Man I feel down tonight.
I am sorry, but I don't know who to talk to and I feel like crap. Tonight is the last night of my vacation here to Colorado. I have to go home tomorrow. I HATE Houston. But that is not my real problem. I have been with my mom this whole vacation. She pointed something out to me. I knew that I have been doing this but she pointed out why. What I do now, since my second trimester started really, is in the morning, when I used to like to lounge on the weekends and on vacations, get up slowly, relax, have a cup of coffee. I don't do that anymore. Now I get up, get ready, and am ready to be out the door within an hour to an hour and a half. Then I go out, do something, usually geocache, but something that involves rigorous exercise. I do that all day. I especially do this on vacations. I go go go until bedtime. Then when it is time for be I fall over just exausted to wake up first thing the next morning to do it all again. Since getting pregnant I have become aggressive, more rude, more "dizzy", I can't think straight, my commons sense seems to be a thing of the past, I am forgetful, and I always feel as if I have to be going, doing something, I can't even sit and watch TV anymore. Where I used to love to sit wth some popcorn watching my favorite movie, I know read a magazine and watch a movie, or play on my computer while watching a movie.
My mom hit the nail on the head and I broke down into tears tonight, I feel trapped, I am running from my emotions, quite frankly I am uterrly terrified. I live in Houston alone with only superficial friends, no family, no one I can really talk to. That is why I am here. I don't want to go home tomorrow, then I have to face it again, have to be alone again. If I wasn't pregnant I would be okay, but I am so scared, I don't know what to do.
What I want to do is have the baby and go live with my mom in Syracuse. I want out of Houston! But I don't know what to do with my job. I can quit my job, I have money saved up, I would be okay for a few months, but how do I quite my job without burning bridges? THis is my first real professional job out of college, I am an engineer. I have nothing else, if I burn my bridges here then I have nothing. I feel so trapped, if I leave Houston I am in trouble, if I stay in Houston I am in trouble. I don't know what I am doing, I feel so damn out of control, like my life is spiraling into a dark tunnel, I am avoiding the issue by stayng so busy that I don't have time to think about it but sometimes I starting thinking about it and I get this aweful feelng of panic, like I am trapped. I have never been so scared before. What do I do?
I am sorry, this is a cheering site and I am bringing it down, but I have noone I can talk to, my mom doesn't know the answers, I don't know what to do. I am tired of being alone. Please understand that I need someone to talk to, but I don't expect you to hve the answers. I just feel so down right now.
Thanks.
aren't female engineers in high demand? maybe you can find a job in ny. I hope everythingworks out, we are all here for you
maybe you should see what your options are for jobs in different places (where your mom lives, particularly) and talk with your boss about why your leaving (if you do)... try to make it a friendly leaving?
Post a resume on Monster for the New York area. I haven't used an online resume site before, but when my friends bro got laid off, he had another engineering job in a week going through Monster. I think there will always be work out there, and you don't necessarily need to have your PE to get a job. He doesn't have a PE and he still got snatched up.
If you're serious about making a change, make it before the baby comes. I think you're going, going, going because you feel unsettled. Figure out how to feel more comfortable in Texas or what steps it would take to move. Maybe you'd feel better if you made plans and took back your sense of control.
First of all, I feel that you need to stop looking at this pregnancy as a trap. It's not. For first time mothers it can be hard to understand what it will be like once the baby comes. You will still have every freedom and right to do what you want with your life: move, new job, new hairstyle, whatever...sometimes I think new parents get stressed because they feel like they have to have everything "perfect" before they have kids and that is not the case. The baby will be happy as long as he is with you. You need to figure out what is best for you. Like HH said, if you have a plan to make a change, that might help you feel more in control.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would want to be close to family. Houston is very far from Syracuse....
Sounds like you have a good job. I assume you have maternity leave(hopefully paid). If so, I would stay in Houston till the baby comes, have your Mom or family come down to help out the first week. Then head back to Syracuse with them and spend your maternity leave there.
That way you can have support, start looking for jobs in Syracuse and get a feel for how it would be to live there. If you realize you like your job in Houston better, it should still be waiting for you.
Try to relax, there is no ticking time bomb. It might be a good idea to start looking on Monster right now just to see what is out there. I think it might be hard to move and find a good job while very pregnant. Ultimately, it is your life so you should do what you feel is best.
First of all, I feel that you need to stop looking at this pregnancy as a trap. It's not. For first time mothers it can be hard to understand what it will be like once the baby comes. You will still have every freedom and right to do what you want with your life: move, new job, new hairstyle, whatever...sometimes I think new parents get stressed because they feel like they have to have everything "perfect" before they have kids and that is not the case. The baby will be happy as long as he is with you. You need to figure out what is best for you. Like HH said, if you have a plan to make a change, that might help you feel more in control.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would want to be close to family. Houston is very far from Syracuse....
Sounds like you have a good job. I assume you have maternity leave(hopefully paid). If so, I would stay in Houston till the baby comes, have your Mom or family come down to help out the first week. Then head back to Syracuse with them and spend your maternity leave there.
That way you can have support, start looking for jobs in Syracuse and get a feel for how it would be to live there. If you realize you like your job in Houston better, it should still be waiting for you.
Try to relax, there is no ticking time bomb. It might be a good idea to start looking on Monster right now just to see what is out there. I think it might be hard to move and find a good job while very pregnant. Ultimately, it is your life so you should do what you feel is best.
I was going to give you the same advice.
If you don't have maternity leave (though I can't imagine why you wouldn't) apply for regular leave and stay with your mom after the baby is born. You'll have several months to find a new job. Don't just up and quit your job without talking to your employer. There may be lots of options for you that you're not even aware of. You might even be able to transfer to an affiliate operation close to home. At the least you will be able to get a good letter of recommendation to take with you. And all the best wishes coming your way.
I think your reasons, wanting to live close to your mother while you raise a child by yourself, would certainly be understandable to any boss (hopefully).
First of all, I feel that you need to stop looking at this pregnancy as a trap. It's not. For first time mothers it can be hard to understand what it will be like once the baby comes. You will still have every freedom and right to do what you want with your life: move, new job, new hairstyle, whatever...sometimes I think new parents get stressed because they feel like they have to have everything "perfect" before they have kids and that is not the case. The baby will be happy as long as he is with you. You need to figure out what is best for you. Like HH said, if you have a plan to make a change, that might help you feel more in control.
From your posts, let me tell you this: YOU DON'T HAVE TO STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE AFTER HAVING A CHILD!!! You can still geocache, ride horses, etc.... YOU STILL HAVE TIME! It is OK to slow down and leave things for you and your son to do in the future! This train of thought isn't sole to first time mothers, but fathers as well, so please don't feel singled out.
Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling down, SQ! I don't have additional advice to add to what everyone else has said, but I am confident that things will work out for you! We all know that you are a thoughtful, loving, compassionate person.
As far as Syracuse goes, that's where I am from, and from what I understand, it would not be exceedingly difficult to find a job there as an engineer. Definitely start looking! I'll let you know if anything comes to mind. What kind of engineer are you? (Also, where does your mom live in Syracuse, if I may be so curious?)
*hugs*
I think your reasons, wanting to live close to your mother while you raise a child by yourself, would certainly be understandable to any boss (hopefully).
I agree. I don't see why leaving your current job so that you can live with you mom and have more support would be "burning bridges." I think it's totally understandable and a really good idea too. Plus, I'm currently job hunting and like 95% of the job listings are for engineers!
Wow, you guys are so wonderful! Thank you for letting me unload what I was feeling. I was bottling it all up and I felt like I was going to explode. I can't really tell my mom the depths of my feelings because she worries about me so much, and I don't want her to be concerned for me (though she is anyway, she doesn't like me living so far away, especially now).
I guess what I am afraid of is making another rash, bad decision, like I did when I went to Alaska. I practically ruined myself, almost killed myself with depression, went nearly bankrupt, and I lost everything I owned except one cat and two suitcases full of clothes and other small posesions. Ever since then I am very hesitant to make rash decisions.
So I am worried that quitting my job and moving in with my mom is a rash decision that could put me in serious trouble.
But then again, every mother who is single...every mother really...I talk to thinks that is exactly what I should do if I can find a way to do it, I keep getting this line: "I don't think I could have made it without my mom" or something similar.
By the way, my mom lives in Pompey, she works in Auburn, her fiance works in Cazenovia, not exactly Syracuse, but very close. I lived in Syracuse (Cazenovia really) for a couple of years and I loved it the entire time I lived there! I love New York, it is beautiful up there. I went for one year to Syracuse University, great college, but too expensive, I had to transfer to a more affordable university. Syracuse feels very "homey" to me, I feel comfortable there, like I belong, I don't feel that way here in Houston, I have felt like an outsider ever since I moved here.
Thank you everyone. You all are so sweet. I am okay now. Everything will work out, it always does. And you are right about a baby not stopping my life, I plan to get one of those baby carriers so that I can strap him on like a backpack and still go hiking and geocaching.
I even plan to give him a geocaching name, just to let you know I am SnowBird690. (I love snow, and one of my mom's pet names for me is bird). The baby has gotten the nickname "bean" because he looked like a lima bean in the first ultrasound, and I am a vegetarian, so the nickname "bean" just stuck.
So his geocaching name will be SnowBean
What do you think?
Okay, have a geocaching name picked, now need to figure out a real name! Still thinking of Alexandar (Alexander?). Maybe not, I can't even spell it. :)
Okay, have a geocaching name picked, now need to figure out a real name! Still thinking of Alexandar (Alexander?). Maybe not, I can't even spell it. :)
Ummm....well, that never stopped the parents of the kids I teach. ;)
Snowbean is awesome btw. Maybe you could name hime "Bennett." kind of a derivation of "bean."
Snowbean, I like it! Im glad your baby is going to learn to love the out doors like you do! Thats fantastic! Hey, my friends name was bean on the appalachian trail...I cant think what i want mine to be (or if i should even pick one, as Im only going to be on the trail like 3 weeks, but as you are so good at thining of these things I thought I'd throw it out there.
I'm gladf you are feeling better. It doesnt sound at all liek you are being rash.