erm, nasty mental picture there...you guys wanna hear something cool? I'm outta sleep meds!

Whoopee! that means y'all can expect some increasingly crazy postings from me. ;) i kinda just feel like I'm in a continual state of drunkenness. My head is foggy and my legs go numb and my feet get swollen. kinda weird. and uncomfortable. Between last Friday and today, i have gotten 11 hours of sleep.

I've had insomnia sense i was an infant. Ill go up to a week with less than two hours of sleep a night when I'm not medicated. Then get 2 nights of 5-8 hours of sleep a night and it starts all over again. I tried every natural remedy I've ever heard of and none have worked.  No over-the-counter meds work on me. And neither do most perscription sleep meds. BOO. I have to take a dosage of Ambien equal to four times that of an average person for minimal, erratic results. When I cant sleep, I just lay in bed for like six hours, until the sun comes up and sets me free from my prison bed. It drives me crazy because I feel exhausted...but i just don't fall asleep. Please don't take this the wrong way, but when i get really bad insomnia for weeks on end I just end up getting suicidal cause my brain thinks the ONLY way to rest.....and all i really wanna do is rest. It has NOT gotten that bad yet. Don't worry, cause i live with my dad now and everything like that and i know I don't want to die, but thats all i can remember from my insomnia in the past. So it kinda feels scary. Thats why i ever started taking the Ambien in the first place, two years ago. I used to be dead set against them, but then I finally realized how dangerous it was getting for em to NOT sleep. Its like there is no trace of me, I'm just a zombie when it gets like that.

A friends mom gave me a half dose of ambien the other night when i was in Connecticut, that it kinda worked after i had 5 beers--kinda...lol. The next night I took my anti-anxiety meds after drinking 5 beers. I know it is dangerous to mix alcohol and meds...but seeing as neither of them are effective one their own---I don't see how it can be too dangerous. It made me sleep for like, two hours? What does bother me is drinking. i don't want to become an alcoholic or anything, but i seriously have the hardest friggen time getting drunk. it takes a good 5 beers and a shot or two of something else to do the trick. And i NEVER drink. I don't want to self medicate with alcohol.  :-\ We don't even keep any at the house...

I really really need to try more homeopathic options.....if anyone knows of something, let me know. In the past, Ive tried the sleepy teas. What comes to mind is chamomile and lavender. Tried showering before bed. Tried yoga. Tried foods high in vitamin C. Ive tried exercising at different times of day. Ive tried schedules. Ive tried staying awake until I crashed. Ive tried different lights. Ive tried exhausting my body. nothing works. Right now,  I'm off caffeine. I only go in my bed at night to rest or if i think I'm about to fall asleep during the day, i will also go to bed, (but i usually don't fall asleep). I don't want to lay in bed too much cause i hear it can train your brain that the bed is not a sleeping place. I try to wind down before hand. Berr...i cant even remember all the things I have tried before but none of them have ever worked.

I know you guys are not doctors or anything like that, I want to go to a Dr. and get my meds refilled, but my insurance wont kick in until AUGUST!!!!!!!! Ugg...i guess the upside is that i am being forced of the meds....i don't like taking them but none of my doctors have been willing to do a sleep study. They all just medicate me instead.  >:( boo!!!! maybe this time will be different. lol