Anyone else married to a non-vegan/ vegetarian?
Hi,
I've been using this site for awhile, but I'm ready to use it more now, and have found it really helpful.
I've been a vegetarian most of my adult life (I cried as a kid over eating meat!), and before I lived with my husband was pretty much vegan - with absolutely no effort put into it at all! I never even thought about it, and always felt satisfied by my food choices. My husband is a big guy from Minnesota, and although is open and understanding of my eating habits, it just doesn't work for him personally! Which I respect, but I really would like to have family meals now that my daughter is getting older (she is 3), and it seems like the only thing that makes us all happy is spaghetti - which is getting boring, and has also made me 15 lbs. heavier than I was pre-marriage. Or else we just all go our own way at night, and my husband will end up fixing himself a frozen meal.
Is there anyone else out there that has dealt with this lifestyle issue? For the wives out there, do you and your husband cook seperate meals? So far, this site has helped quite a bit in trying to be more creative making hearty vegan meals. I'm just curious if anyone else has dealt with this.
(or if anyone knows of another thread that relates to my question that'd be great also)
*waves* I do. El Hubbito is an omni, and I guess it is easier for us because he works 3rd shift as a delivery driver. The only time we really eat together is on the weekends, and I will usually cook a vegetarian meal, and add meat to his portion. Just means more pans to wash. You should see me scramble eggs with my right hand and tofu with my left!
Last weekend he tasted the red lentil& red bean (I didn't have enough of either, so mixed the 2) burrito mix I made and decided that "This doesn't need anything else." w00t!
During the week, though I have no problem serving him eggs and meat for his breakfasts before work, and making cold cut sandwiches for his lunches.
But again, I went vegetarian for health reasons, not ethical ones.
I used to be okay with cooking meat and eggs but not anymore and I won't buy them or milk either... The more I've learned on my vegan journey the less I have been okay with these things... My BF switched to vegetarian for health reasons (thank god) so that has helped, I will buy him cheese and that's it (though one day I fantasize about him giving the crap up), if he wants something else he can get it himself or eat it when he's not at home... If he wants to make his own food fine, but I'm not going to cook 2 meals when the 1 vegan meal i am making tastes great... For those doing it for health reasons, why do you want to pollute your mates body with animal products when you can feed them good healthy vegan food? I dunno that's just my opinion
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Well I hope you perfect those cooking skills and get him eating some good vegan food... He won't be missing a thing... You don't have to add animal products to everything for it to taste good
Whenever there's a thread like this, I just keep going back to the central question: why is it your job to cook meat for him, exactly? I'm having flashbacks to the movie 'Ever After': "You've got two arms -- do it yourself!"
Is your omni-SO cooking yummy vegan food for *you*, for the first half of the week, and then you trade? or reciprocating the cooking duties in any way? I suspect not... I think whoever puts the effort in, gets to say what's on the table! Don't like it? the fridge is thataway...
That's just me; I wouldn't put the effort in to something I think is a health and environmental disaster, something that I have no interest in eating. I'll pick up requested grocery items without judgment or comment (lunch meat, freezer dinners, whatever); but I don't really see any reason to cater to someone else's whim about what I prepare; if they can't be bothered to cook, then part of the consequence of that choice is to take what's offered. Love isn't servitude; I'm not the house staff! I think if you're relying on me to cook your food, you're gonna get stuff that I consider worth cooking. If you want something else, be my guest: pots are in the far left cabinet, under the coffee maker... & be sure to clean up when you're done, please & thank you!
;)b
I cooked nonvegan food a couple of times for my ex but was never comfortable with it. I more or less did it to try to create some peace between us, because he HATES me being vegan. Beyond the ethical issues, it was hard to cook the junk because I sure wasn't going to taste it to season it. He only cooks out of boxes and doesn't understand the concept of seasoning. It's funny, because now he eats vegan about 90% of the time to save money and to loose weight. His weight loss techniques are not healthy even if they are effective in the short term. He does plan on "eating again" though. He is a bad influence on our daughter on many levels, so if he wants to make choices that shorten his life, oh well. I know that's not a great attitude to have but my daughter comes first.
I used to be okay with cooking meat and eggs but not anymore and I won't buy them or milk either... The more I've learned on my vegan journey the less I have been okay with these things... My BF switched to vegetarian for health reasons (thank god) so that has helped, I will buy him cheese and that's it (though one day I fantasize about him giving the crap up), if he wants something else he can get it himself or eat it when he's not at home... If he wants to make his own food fine, but I'm not going to cook 2 meals when the 1 vegan meal i am making tastes great... For those doing it for health reasons, why do you want to pollute your mates body with animal products when you can feed them good healthy vegan food? I dunno that's just my opinion
My bf and I went through this same process. When I vent vegan he still ate dairy and eggs. I told him he could eat all of it that he wanted, but he had to cook it (I still bought it). Couple months went by, and I said I was tired of buying it, so he had to. This lasted a couple of weeks. He's too lazy to go grocery shopping, and it just wasn't worth it to him. So, he's been vegan a few months now, and he really likes it. He didn't try almond milk before, because he was too busy drinking cow milk. Now he likes almond milk a lot more. I think it just took a few months of me cooking yummy vegan meals for him to realize it wasn't so terrible after all!
I'm engaged to an omni/frequent vegetarian who I simply adore but who has developed a habit of sending me articles or presenting me with arguments about how veganism isn't necessarily the most perfect thing for the planet/health. He's just kind of a skeptic. For instance he just sent me an article about the hazards of soy (hexane in burgers/health issues/being grown by farmers who sell most of the beans as animal feed, etc). I can't help but get defensive about it...I feel like saying, "Ok, well, I seriously doubt that my 1-2 servings of organic soy a day is hurting me or the planet more than 1-2 servings of meat or dairy would." He makes arguments that plant agriculture is as environmentally harmful as animal agriculture, and I find that concept absurd. Plants just don't poop toxic waste. And that doesn't even touch the moral or health issues. Anyway, I'm sure most of you would be on my side in that particular discussion, but does anyone have any ideas on how to approach this with him? Other than just telling him to stop talking to me about my diet until he does his homework on his own diet?
(Preparing meals for both of us obviously isn't an issue as I currently live in Virginia and he currently lives in Maine, and I've only been vegan for about a month now so the last time I saw him I was a vegetarian...but we always cooked vegetarian before and he gets what he wants when we eat out. I do the cooking and he assists and does the dishes and lavishes praise on my talent, which I consider a fair trade. And I would never consider cooking him meat (or eggs or dairy now), but certainly wouldn't begrudge him a trip to the grocery store and some work at the stove if he wanted to make himself something non-vegan, and I'm not (very/outwardly :>) offended by him eating whatever when we go out.)
I think there are a couple things that could be going on here. One, is that he is genuinely concerned about you being healthy and doesn't understand veganism's positive benefits and lack of disadvantages as much as you'd like him too (heck, all of us would like him too lol). You could send him just as many articles on all the great things that happen on a vegan diet. You could also be up front and tell him that you know he has your best interest at heart but the articles are starting to bug you because you know you're making the right choice for you.
Or, since I don't know him, I suppose it's possible that he just isn't very supportive. In which case, I hope you let him know how unhelpful and un amazing he is being by not being totally supportive of your choices.
Also, since this is afairly new change he just may be a little put off, as most people are by change, and need some time to get used to it. There may be an element of him feeling defensive (like, why isn't vegetarianism good enough) or feeling like you're moving on or things will be drastically different....that kinda stuff. In which case he hopefully just needs some time to adjust and see that you are still a lovely girlfriend when vegan.
Bottom line: If the articles and arguments against your choices are bothering you, tell him. You could just say something like "Hey, I know you're just trying to help but it's kind of bothering me that I have to defend my choices to you. I hope you'd be my #1 supporter and back up what makes me happiest. " and see where that conversation goes. If things don't change after you've voiced your feelings then he's being disrespectful and there's never an acceptable reason for that.
I think aggplanta hits all the salient points... A month is a fairly narrow slice of time, by human standards... so at first I'd prob'ly be pretty willing to answer his arguments if you can do it in a friendly way, without it straying into other areas of the relationship (you always question my judgement! etc, lol). Nothing clarifies your thinking like having to explain your position to someone else! and maybe (if he's just sincerely concerned about your health & such, & not being a typical argumentative male, grin!) he just honestly hasn't been exposed to the information -- a lot of people haven't (thanks, meat & dairy marketing guys!)... there's a lot of info out there; watch Food Inc together; give him a copy of Eating Animals; inform him, when he starts the discussion, without insisting that he agree with you.
I'd also add that sometimes people feel judgment where none exists... sometimes it helps to take the position ''look, I'm only choosing for me; if I decided to be Buddhist, would you try to talk me out of it? why is this an issue for anyone but me? this makes me happy, and makes sense to me. it's ok -- we don't have to agree! peace!' Once he fully understands that (a) you've thought it through, and health issues are a PLUS, not a minus! and that (b) you're not going to change your mind, if he's still agitating then maybe this approach would help... if he STILL gives you grief, he's just pokin' the bear, and becomes subject to romance cessation penalties and other negative reinforcement strategies. (cheezy grin)
Good advice from everyone! We talked about it, and it turned out he wasn't fully reading the articles he was sending me...and was just trying to be extra supportive by sending me more info. I told him to stop sending them anyway. :) Because if he didn't want to read them, I didn't want to either! I think he's coming around though and felt pretty terrible about making me feel unsupported.
Thanks to vegweb at large for providing support where it is hard to find other places (or where I misinterpret it from other places).
I have warned him that I abhor eating the same meal and every day . He has admitting he does not enjoy it either and likes the different food.
It is also important to eat a variety of different foods in order to get proper nutrition. A diet that doesn't include much variety usually has nutrient deficits and excesses.
My husband supports me being vegan even though he is omni (due to my food allergies), it's kind of cute sometimes the way he looks out for me by reminding people who offer to have us over for dinner all the foods I can and cannot have.
Even before I went vegan, when we first were living together it would drive me bonkers when I'd make dinner and he would come home and just "wasn't in the mood" to eat what ever it was I made. His mother never really cooked so I don't know how he even became so picky!
Now that I'm vegan when I cook he has the option to have some of what I made or to make his own meal. We are on different schedules now anyways. I go to school during the day and he works 2nd shift. He's good about trying new things, he's even grilled us some marinated tofu zucchini and corn in the summer instead of burgers. His consumption of meat doesn't bother me, I don't cook meat unless he asks me to or if he doesn't have time to make a meal before work, however, I would like him to reduce his meat intake and increase his consumption of whole grains and veggies. His diet lately hasn't been very consistent or overly nutritious... i.e. vending machine food. BLECK!
Wow. Reading through these posts makes me feel so lucky. When I first started dating my husband he was an omnivore, but he was open to eating vegan food (we went to a vegetarian restaurant on our first date!). But he would still eat meat occasionally. When we started living together he was eating it very occassionally, but it was really starting to bother me, not only because I would sometimes buy meat for him, but also because it just made me so sad that someone I loved was participating in an industry I thought was so abhorrent. I just felt like it was a huge disconnect between us, and I think I knew that it would start causing problems with our relationship. So we had a heart-to-heart, and I told him how it upset me. I didn't really push him or give him an ultimatum or anything, but I think I got him thinking about things, and he realized that yes, as an intelligent, compassionate, anti-capitalist, etc, etc, eating meat didn't really fall in line with his convictions, and so he eventually gave up eating meat and has been a vegetarian for several years now. He's not vegan, but we live in a virtually 100% vegan household. Usually the only non-vegan items that find their way inside are the milk chocolate candies he gets from his families on holidays. He loves vegan food, and he talks all the time about how awesome we eat, because we eat such a variety of foods that most people will never try because it's "different."
At any rate, I can't imagine having to cook separate meals for us. We usually take turns cooking, and all of our meals are vegan. I think that dinner time is such an important time for any couple/family, and that sharing the same meal at a dinner table is really an immensely deep act of bonding. We share a meal together at the table, without the television or any other distractions, every night, and it makes me sad that not every couple can have that experience. But I guess that's common for any couple/family these days. Our lives are so busy that the sacredness of the family meal has fallen by the wayside.
My husband is omni, although he will often choose vegetarian work meals when he's on evening shift. They have to special order them for him, but he's said he is getting tired of meat lately. I'm a relatively new vegan, so I wasn't one when I married him. Bless him for being a happy eater of any foods! He'd rather eat than cook :)
My boyfriend's not vegan, or even fully vegetarian (he eats chicken and fish), but since I do most of the cooking he eats vegan most nights. Sometimes he'll add cheese to something, but not usually. Luckily for me, he's super sweet and when he does cook he always makes it vegan so I can eat it too. I definitely don't cook meat for him, though--he's on his own when it comes to that.
I have an update. The boyfriend I referred to above is now officially my fiance. :) He still sends me articles, but relevant, better-researched ones and less frequently, and asks me to send him things on veganism that I'm reading too (which I do, enthusiastically, and to good effect).
He came to visit me with my sister and my best friend from college last week (the first time I'd seen him in 2 months!) and the first thing he did was give me a big, shiny new vegan cookbook (1,000 Vegan Recipes) and tell me how excited he was to try everything in it. Then he helped me make vegan cupcakes: which my sister and friend refused to try (buttheads), but of which he ate (I kid you not) SIX over the span of 3 days, praising my baking skills the whole time. My sister is extremely unhealthy, as is the friend who visited, and Eric (fiance) and I spent the 2 days after they all left having long phone conversations about health, and what the right food can do for your life, and how good it is that we're on the same page (and yes, ok, some judgemental conversations about how appalled we are by their lifestyles).
He's not a vegan but he is thrilled to death that I am, loves loves loves eating vegan food that I cook, and loves hearing me brag talk about how great I feel. So you guys were right that it was kind of an adjustment period...I think it helped him to see me, how healthy I am, etc.
I have an update. The boyfriend I referred to above is now officially my fiance. :) He still sends me articles, but relevant, better-researched ones and less frequently, and asks me to send him things on veganism that I'm reading too (which I do, enthusiastically, and to good effect).
He came to visit me with my sister and my best friend from college last week (the first time I'd seen him in 2 months!) and the first thing he did was give me a big, shiny new vegan cookbook (1,000 Vegan Recipes) and tell me how excited he was to try everything in it. Then he helped me make vegan cupcakes: which my sister and friend refused to try (buttheads), but of which he ate (I kid you not) SIX over the span of 3 days, praising my baking skills the whole time. My sister is extremely unhealthy, as is the friend who visited, and Eric (fiance) and I spent the 2 days after they all left having long phone conversations about health, and what the right food can do for your life, and how good it is that we're on the same page (and yes, ok, some judgemental conversations about how appalled we are by their lifestyles).
He's not a vegan but he is thrilled to death that I am, loves loves loves eating vegan food that I cook, and loves hearing me brag talk about how great I feel. So you guys were right that it was kind of an adjustment period...I think it helped him to see me, how healthy I am, etc.
Congrats, JenL!!! woohoo, for married bliss right around the corner! Hopefully you will get to see a bit more of each other as a married couple?! I know long-distance affairs can cause some serious angst... I am excited on your behalf!
It annoys the bejesus out of me when people won't even TRY things, b/c they think they know better than the cook what oughta go into cupcakes (or whatever)... rude, rude, rude! Hopefully they didn't mean it that way, but that would *totally* grind my gears. Yay for you fella coming around, tho! Sounds very promising; maybe he's just not vegan... yet. ;)
My girlfriend, who I live with, is a lacto-ovo and I'm vegan. For us, we cook vegan. She's about 90% vegan anyways, she'll put milk in her tea, or get an item with cheese at a restaurant, or order a dessert with eggs, but for the most part at home there's no milk or eggs. I guess it makes it a tad easier than most people. Luckily she's Indian and we do a lot of Asian and South Asian cooking making it easier to avoid dairy.
My heart goes out to all of those married or dating meat-eaters, it's hard. We both went veg well after we started dating, I was for a whole year before she was. She used to laugh at me (in jest) and order steaks when we went out, but rarely cooked meat at home. And if she did eat meat, it was usually just sandwich meat or the pre-cooked pre-packaged chicken chunks that she'd throw into a meal. Things are much easier no since she went veg, even if I went vegan at the same time she went veg... Though not entirely true. She jumped in as a vegan when she got a cat and realized he was no different than a cow or pig; but it was too much too fast for her, so she fell back to lacto-ovo.
I guess I'm lucky because my husband eats anything I cook. We don't have meat in the house, but he'll sometimes get it when we go out, which I have no problem with. :)>>>
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