Meant to be alone?
I've often wondered if I'm 'supposed to be' single for the duration of my life. (Maybe just not long-term-committed?) I know I'm young and very liberal (even in relationships, but find that my mates are not so much), but my head is on pretty straight and I feel like I have a realistic view of how things work (or at least, have worked for me). It might be the secret to patience when waiting on love, but has anyone else ever felt the same way?
I know I'd want to be a single mother if I had a child (I know this seems wrong to many). I don't feel like a man has ever brought out the best in me. They tend to be selfish, whereas, I feel like I live my life for the happiness of others. They are unreliable, always, and bring me down and decrease positive social habits (visiting friends, talking to strangers, random acts of kindness, etc.). And I also have a firm belief that a man can not remain monogamous for a lifetime. I haven't had much to disprove that theory in my life, either. Maybe it's my mentality that proves to be incompatible with a lifelong relationship. Or maybe these problems have become more apparent as consistent with my most recent relationship...
I'm sorry that this is sort of a rant and jumpy. I guess I've been frustrated lately, because I'm currently in the best relationship ever, and I still fail to find peace of mind. I just hate being alone. This train of thought it also possibly the result of over-irritability, as it is the 3rd day for me without a cigarette, and I'm pretty tolerant otherwise. Our only issues ever seemed to be that he's quite a bit more generally anxious than myself. (I used to be a jitter-bug like him, but I found peace, and coping methods, in meditation/yoga and have been pretty laid back since)... ::)
I just wanted to share a few thoughts. As you said, your post was a bit jumpy but I think I followed what you said. Ha!
I've gone thru that time in my life where I've said "I'm meant to be alone..I'm to live my life for the happiness of others..etc.." I used to think these exact things and I sometimes still do. What I've learned in life is this - you can't yearn for or live for other's happiness. You can only do for you. Focus on the things that make you happy. Complete you and that will attract more happiness on top of that. You seemed a little frustrated with people and with the actions of other people so that's why I say - focus on you and your happiness. Happiness attracts love and love attracts even more happiness.
Once you complete your puzzle (or as you work on your puzzle) be open to growing or sharing with people. Don't become jaded or cynical if they "let you down". They're their own person, just like you. I used to (and sometimes still do) get burnt out when people wouldn't live up to whatever subconscious expectation I had of them. Now, all I want is honesty and their best effort. If they can't give me that, I can't change them or want that change for them. I can only worry about me. And if they drain me, they aren't worth my time. There's a difference between living for other's happiness and helping others reach their path. It's all balance.
As far as you finding a mate... No one knows how that will turn out. No one can know the future (even though I get a lot of future things right just by observing. Haha). Again, focus on your happiness. As long as your happiness doesn't bring harm to others or other things. We're all connected. I hope I made sense?
-Josh
PS. There are gals/guys put there who can and will stay monogamous and can/will help you grow. But only you can complete you. Relationships are partnerships. Never expect someone to "bring things out of you", just as you shouldn't allow them to bring you down or decrease things in you. Empower yourself and you'll find someone you can just trust who gives you the freedom to bring out those things or to hide them, based on your own choices. Ya know?
i'd say as long as men are the people you are romantically/sexually attracted to and you believe so strongly what you believe you certainly are not ever going to be happy in a relationship, sorry. change your thoughts.
and, yes, i have thought i would be single for life before... didn't really find many people who interested me and just stopped looking or caring.
What I've learned in life is this - you can't yearn for or live for other's happiness. You can only do for you. ... I used to (and sometimes still do) get burnt out when people wouldn't live up to whatever subconscious expectation I had of them. Now, all I want is honesty and their best effort. ... There's a difference between living for other's happiness and helping others reach their path. ... only you can complete you. ... Never expect someone to "bring things out of you", just as you shouldn't allow them to bring you down or decrease things in you.
Pm, thanks for your thoughts. I was having a rough night and I had a long talk with my significant other. I do have a bad habit of taking care of others before myself, but I also do things for me - yoga, art, music, etc. I should focus on them more in the winter, as I tend to withdraw from society. And I suppose I should work on my expectations of others. (It used to drive me crazy that my mother would ground me for weeks at time for not doing something that had never been asked of me. A little different, but without communication, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, right?) And I certainly didn't mean I'd expect someone to bring out the best in me. I try to do that without being influenced, but it was an expression of frustration that being around my current S/O was making me feel drained, less polite, etc.
Anywho, posting helped me prepare to state what had been bothering me, and your words provided some comfort. So, again, thank you!
change your thoughts.
and, yes, i have thought i would be single for life before...
Thanks hespedal, I have been working on changing my skepticism about men. It's difficult to shake something that's been drilled in your entire life. Either way, not being in a relationship doesn't bother me, but I do tend to need considerably more social time when I'm single. Also, just wondering if you're still single, or if someone came along? Thanks for taking the time to read/respond and I hope things work(ed) out for the best for you! :)
Pm, thanks for your thoughts. I was having a rough night and I had a long talk with my significant other. I do have a bad habit of taking care of others before myself, but I also do things for me - yoga, art, music, etc. I should focus on them more in the winter, as I tend to withdraw from society. And I suppose I should work on my expectations of others. (It used to drive me crazy that my mother would ground me for weeks at time for not doing something that had never been asked of me. A little different, but without communication, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, right?) And I certainly didn't mean I'd expect someone to bring out the best in me. I try to do that without being influenced, but it was an expression of frustration that being around my current S/O was making me feel drained, less polite, etc.
Anywho, posting helped me prepare to state what had been bothering me, and your words provided some comfort. So, again, thank you!
Ms. veggietable - You're most welcome. I'm glad I was able to provide some comfort. :) I like how you say "significant other". It's fun. Oh! And I love your pun nickname. I love puns. I'll see you around.
-Josh
veggietable,
You do indeed seem to have your head on pretty straight and occasional cynicism is healthy just to put things in perspective. You are young. There are lot of men out there that you just haven't met yet. Find one that respects women and does not objectify them. I will concede that those men are a minority. I've seen so many women fall for the cutesy smooth talkers and overlook real men of integrity and fine character. Most guys are just looking to get in your pants. Find a mate would make a good friend in the absence of any romantic feelings. Then when romance happens it is thrilling and magical. I have sort of an odd perspective because I prefer to have close female friends. I just can't get too close to guy friends except those I have had for many years. As you could imagine it is tough for a straight married guy to form close friendships with women. Women are suspicious of a man who seems to like them for who they are and sincerely enjoys their company. There are still a lot of great companions for you out there. You pass them on the street and stand behind them in the check out line at the market. They are seeking someone just like you.
Thanks hespedal, I have been working on changing my skepticism about men. It's difficult to shake something that's been drilled in your entire life. Either way, not being in a relationship doesn't bother me, but I do tend to need considerably more social time when I'm single. Also, just wondering if you're still single, or if someone came along? Thanks for taking the time to read/respond and I hope things work(ed) out for the best for you! :)
married :)