Am i being too sensitive?
This is partly an etiquette question too. I got an invitation to my oldest (meaning I've known her the longest, not oldest as in her age) friend's wedding today. It was addressed to me and "guest". I feel hurt that she didn't not include my fiance's name on the envelope. Not only is he my fiance but we've lived together for about 8 months now. So she wasn't sending the invitation to an address where only I resided. Am I being too sensitive about this?
I'd like to add that she hasn't really acknowledged my engagement at all. No phone call, no email, just a one word "congrats" text message. I know she is busy as all hell right now with work and planning her wedding so I don't plan on saying anything to her. That's what you guys are for right? ;)
People can be inconsiderate. She probably just got busy with stuff and wasn't thinking, but it's rude of her to not really acknowledge your engagement. Maybe she'll be better once her wedding is over and she can be excited for you and not stressed about her life.
I don't think you're being too sensitive--it was rude of her. But, eh, people are rude :whatever:
By the way, I don't mean to make it sound like "oh I'm engaged, everyone oh and ah." That's why I don't even like the word fiance because I don't want it to seem like I'm "showing off."
I think you're reading too much into it. Wedding planning can be stressful - give her the benefit of a doubt.
I know maybe I should have waited before I posted anything. That's why I'm not saying anything to her about it.
I think it probably means one of two things (or both):
1. She's just doing the invitations like that-main person and guest
2. She doesn't remember his name
Who knows...I'm sure that's annoying though. A lot of people are not very thoughtful.
did she write it out herself or did she pay someone to do them, like in calligraphy? If she had someone do them, maybe the person didn't realize you two were such good friends
I'm kinda going through this same thing with my best friend from high school. She's getting married in June and I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in the being thoughtful category too. But she called me in about October of last year and talked to me for 45 minutes (her talking, not me) about her guest list and all the reasons why my parents were not on it! (They were like her second parents in high school). Not that I care, but I thought it was kinda rude to elaborate on it to me for 45 minutes.
And then she told me I couldn't wear my (very nice, very appropriate, NOT hoochy in the slightest) dress to her wedding because she didn't like it.
She's probably just preoccupied.
I will make a mental note to (try) not to be like this should I ever get married.
And congrats on your engagement to you AND your fiance. :>
Honestly, I don't think the "she's probably just busy" or "she's just stressed about the wedding" is any kind of excuse or justification. Even if she is those things, that doesn't make any difference in the end. I planned my own wedding, did all of the invitations, announcements, cooked the food, etc....but I did not become a different person, forget people, or become some type of bridezilla (which potentially could have happened since I am very obsessive). I don't think there's any reason to make excuses for it, especially since she hasn't even acknowledged the situation. IF I were you, I would tell her how you feel, BUT I know that you are a different person..and not me..so that's totally up to you. I'm all about communicating b/c people can't read minds.
You're supposed to do more to acknowledge engagements? ???
I'd get rude points, too. I just thought you were supposed to say congrats. If she's like me, she may not have known you have to do more. Also, if someone was helping her address the envelopes and she didn't know his name right off maybe they addressed it that way for the sake of keeping on track. I think friends get extra forgiveness points when planning a wedding.
Seriously, I'm worried about the engagement acknowledgement. One of my best friends recently got engaged and I send her a congrats email and that was it. What else am I supposed to do?
I think friends get extra forgiveness points when planning a wedding.
Sorry, hh..I disagree with you here...as I said above.
Seriously, I'm worried about the engagement acknowledgement. One of my best friends recently got engaged and I send her a congrats email and that was it. What else am I supposed to do?
I think it was just the fact that the friend just said 'congrats' in a text message. I have very few good friends, but I would definitely want a phone call or email; just something that shows the friend really cares! I think that's the point. I'm sure your caring was sufficient, hh...it all depends on the relationship.It's not about faking anything or giving gifts or anything...just showing some true love! It's a big deal to get engaged/married! :)
(((hugs)))
Conratulations on your engagement!! :flower:
Personally, I think your friend is being rude in how she responded to your engagement, especially if you are close friends. I would definitely think a personal phone call or even a nice letter or card is in order for that. A text message is so impersonal and cold, but that's my opinion.
As for the invites, I agree with the others, perhaps she had someone else do them and they didn't know his name...
Anyway, best wishes to you!
You're supposed to do more to acknowledge engagements? ???
I'd get rude points, too. I just thought you were supposed to say congrats. If she's like me, she may not have known you have to do more.
Seriously, I'm worried about the engagement acknowledgement. One of my best friends recently got engaged and I send her a congrats email and that was it. What else am I supposed to do?
No no HH, I think your email was fine. I would have been happy with an email too. You're not supposed to do anything special but considering I've known her since girlscouts I thought she might at least email me, or respond to my email. I know she is busy and I know calling her out on this would just add more stress to her situation.
As for who did the invitations, I'm not sure but she would have given them the list of names right?
You're supposed to do more to acknowledge engagements? ???
I'd get rude points, too. I just thought you were supposed to say congrats. If she's like me, she may not have known you have to do more. Also, if someone was helping her address the envelopes and she didn't know his name right off maybe they addressed it that way for the sake of keeping on track. I think friends get extra forgiveness points when planning a wedding.
Seriously, I'm worried about the engagement acknowledgement. One of my best friends recently got engaged and I send her a congrats email and that was it. What else am I supposed to do?
HH, I really think you're OK on this one, don't stress!! I think (gotta love it when I speak for people I hardly know...lol) that what biodancer means is that it was literally one word, "congrats". If you're stuck in a meeting, or a dress fitting, or a tasting w/ the cake people, it's not that hard to type out "OMG, congrats!! I'm so excited for you, and I'll call you later when I'm not swamped, love you!" I planned my best friends entire huge ass wedding, and worked full-time and moved, all at the same time, yet I remained nice and pleasant. She gets no forgiveness from me, I think it's just plain rude. And if she couldn't remember his last name, or his first for that matter, she could've at least called. Just my 2 cents...
Thanks, everyone, for making me feel better about my friend's engagement. I did write an email to the man she's engaged to, welcoming him into my "family," if that counts. (I knew him, already.)
About the invitation. I wasn't defending it, just deflecting it. It was rude, but not enough to get excited about. Wait until the wedding is over and then do a "double date."
You think that people don't want to celebrate or acknowledge "good relationships" because there's a sense of envy or jealousy?
Bear with me for a second - perhaps I (not me personally, but generalizing) don't really want to care about your good relationship because it reminds me of all the "problems" that mine has; it brings to light issues that I have within my own relationship and it's easier to ignore the problems and hope they'll go away? In our very self-centered society it's much easier to tune out the rest of the world's happiness when we are pretending we are happy . . . .
Then again, I've been single so long that my speculation could be completely off base.
Didn't you just get engaged? Is it possible that she didn't know about it before whoever addressed the envelopes? Regardless of how long you've known her, do you talk often? Maybe she didn't know for sure that you and your soon to be husband were as close as you are, a lot can happen in a short amount of time, and it might have been more offensive if she had put his name, not knowing better, and you weren't with him anymore. A lot of people put "and guest" as policy unless the couple is very serious, which, of course, you are, but addressing takes a long time and redos are expensive, so maybe she just did it before she knew. If she really is a good friend she wouldn't be rude on purpose, and if it wasn't on purpose can you really be justifyably upset about it?
I too think maybe someone else adressed the invites. Weddings do strange things to people. I hate them, and never attend them. (I was a wedding singer from about age 12 till I left home...usually "volunteered" by my dad at short notice. You want to develop a fine and private hatred of weddings, be someone not directly involved!)
Wear what you want. She will be so stressed out she won't even notice. As long as you're not in "the wedding party" (a misnomer if ever there was one, but Wedding Torture Group sounds gauche) it shouldn't matter. If she's invited a whole slew of people she won't even see it. You'll just be a face in the crowd.
Didn't you just get engaged? Is it possible that she didn't know about it before whoever addressed the envelopes?
Yes, I've only been engaged for a little over two weeks now, but she wrote me after she knew I was engaged to get my address for the invitation (I moved in with my boyfriend back in September). She may not know his last name, but she certainly knows his first. She could have asked for his last name at the time she asked for my address or just put his first name on the envelope. It still bothers me today, but I'm not as hurt as I was last night. I didn't show the envelope to my bf because I know it would have bothered him. He already thinks she doesn't like him.
I wouldn't worry, maybe she is being rude but I doubt that she means it. Recently I hurt some friends feelings unintentionally becuase I stopped emailing them regularly. My job is really all or nothing. For about 2 weeks I was insane busy, but usually I hardly have anything to do. I stopped sending emails like I usually do becuase I was so busy. Not that I was deliberately trying to be rude, I just simply forgot.
Before getting mad I would talk to your friend, tell her how you feel. 90% of the time these things are nothing more than a misunderstanding that can be talked through easily.
My mom told me that my friends emailed her about how their feelings were hurt, I called them up, appologized, explained the situation, then everything was okay. Maybe that is what you need to do with your friend, just let her know, she probably has no idea she is hurting your feelings.
I'm sorry to say that a lot of these posts are irritating me a bit....there should be no excuses for not being thoughtful, especially toward a close friend. Whether she had someone else do the invitations or not...she could have called beforehand just to talk and find out his name/if you were still together, etc. OR if she saw the invitation afterward, realized it was a mistake, but it was too expensive to fix (which is ridiculous if it was...), she could have just called and told you what to expect, and to explain the situation! There's no reason to get so stressed about something...that you forget about your friends' feelings.
AND why shouldn't one be upset (justifiably) if something wasn't on purpose..a person has a right to experience a feeling. Even if it wasn't 'on purpose, it was still inconsiderate. Maybe once you talk it out (which you should definitely do-no reason to make deposits in the bitterness bank), you'll realize the situation...but you definitely still have the 'right' to feel upset.
BP, I agree with you, but I think there would still have to be some milestone to celebrate (anniversary or what not). I definitely think that should be seen as the same thing (the anniversary just has to be known). Whenever I was in a serious dating relationship, I didn't expect others to celebrate just the fact that we were together..and loving each other..and happy (every day). I mean..I don't get congratulations for being married 1.34 years or whatever. So, I just think it's the milestone thing. Acknowledging/celebrating big deals in loved ones' lives is important! My best girl friend has been in a serious relationship for 5+ years now...and I think it's important to acknowledge their anniversary, too!
I have another short comment. Do other people read other posts before posting? I sometimes get the feeling that they don't..
this is my "quote from ally" post.
Thanks!
i wonder if maybe your friend doesn't consider you that "close" anymore. i have friends from HS that are "old friends". we used to be hella close, then they all got married and i moved to NY and got gay. i don't get offended when i hear news about them (including engagements and pregnancies) though the grapevine. i wonder if your friend just isn't "where you are" in terms of your relationship? (again, i don't mean that to come off harse, just, my thoughts)
This is very possible...I've had a lot of these experiences. I ever had one friend (best friends in high school) tell me she was going to invite me...and then I never got the invitation. Communication, communication!
i think the issue--at least what i find in my research--is that several couples wonder why people make such a to-do about the engagment or wedding but never just the fact that they were dating/partnered seriously before that. its almost like nonmarital relationships are not seen as legitimate/worthy of recognition unless/until one makes legal commitments.
I understand.
i'm working on moving beyond what others expect of me which is based on a normative yardstick.
;)b
I have a couple of gay uncles, and one of them has been in a serious relationship for many years (15-20?). It's just utterly ridiculous that he would not be able to visit his partner if he were in an emergency hospital situation (because he's not considered family), and all of the other things that are tied in with it.....all based on religion of course, and politics in turn. I've never liked his partner...just b/c of his personality.......but other than that, their relationship is very normal, to me.
you just noticed this? ::)
No..but it's been bothering me lately! :P
I think we are in agreement...my annoyance at this situation is not really based on the engagement/wedding facts....just the lack of consideration/thoughtfulness (could insert any situation/event). Ya know?
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