Ugh, vent.
Yeah, so I'm posting this at 4:00 AM. Because I can't sleep and don't really have anyone to talk to.
I haven't really posted all that much since my friend died in March. It's been about two and a half months since the incident. Life has been very surreal and sad, and generally weird.
This is the first time in my life that I have felt really and truly alone. There is no one who can understand, because even those who knew her did not have the same sort of bond that we had. It is very difficult for me to express this.
We used to hold hands and walk to the 24 hour grocery store in the dark at 3 in the morning to buy falafel mix. We started a fake band that involved me screaming like a lunatic while hitting a water jug and her playing a banjo with a string missing. We lived together and papered our walls with empty bags of generic Funyuns, hung used teabags from the ceiling, and attached a broken umbrella to a water pipe. We made up stupid songs that made absolutely no sense and also wrote ridiculous stories one word at a time. I keep hearing her voice in my head now, and I don't know what to do with myself.
And yet, when I tell people I'm depressed, they still have the nerve to ask me what's wrong. There is a giant hole in my heart, and it's barely begun to sink in that she's gone, so people can't seriously expect me to cheer up and be all sunshine and rainbows, can they?
Things I have been hearing from people, like broken records:
"What's wrong?"
"You should get help."
"You're scaring me."
I really want to shoot myself in the face most days. I can't even open up to anyone without them telling me to "get help"-- even though I AM getting help next week-- as if they don't want to deal with me. Don't want to hear it, don't want to be there for me in any way.
This sucks.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. It's so hard to carry on, isn't it, as if nothing has changed. The whole world is going on with it's business and you're broken hearted and no one seems to care and the only one who would understand is gone. Losing a beloved friend, child or spouse is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences to live through. And it is more so unbearable when it happens to a young person. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this terrible loneliness and healing time in your life.
I think it is normal for you to feel that way. Of course you are going to miss her so much. A friend of mine (not even a close friend) died suddenly two years ago and I still miss him. An event like that really turns your world upside down. Unfortunelty I'm not going to be much help either though. I know it's cliche but Time will ease your pain. It may help for you to try some new activities & to shake up your routine a bit to distract yourself.
i'm so sorry, that must be terrible to be going through that. i think in terms of other people they just don't know what to do or say. when they see someone so heavily effected by something they don't want to potentially say the wrong thing and make it worse, or be too happy around you so that you see just how much you hurt. then it's such a hard lonely situation for you and they person you would normally turn to isn't there. it is good that you are seeking out some help because i think that will ease some peoples minds. i think people aren't much used to dealing with intense feelings and emotional states anymore because everyone that is in them hides and (maybe) gets outside help. i know it must be so hard to go through what you are going through, but maybe you could sort of ease your suffering by thinking about how she would want you to feel? i don't know if that would help you, but i think most of the time friends just don't want to see others in pain and she would want you to feel better again, and not be too bent up about her death (for a very long time).
Hey, gb, grief is a strange thing, different for us all I guess, sometimes it hits you hard straightaway, other times you think you're coping well and then, bang, like hitting a wall; just hang in there, I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to be that upset from the description you gave of what the two of you used to do, the fun stuff, the crazy middle of the night stuff, etc. Maybe she was showing you a way to be when she wouldn't be there, if you know what I mean?
Sweetie, life is precious, sometimes rough, but I'm sure you can work through it, you know we are all here for you
Big hugs, Kiki
Sound like you were closer than sisters. I don't know what I'd do if I lost someone like that (like my own sister). Don't worry about what others think - they clearly don't understand what you're going through (but it's nice to know they're concerned, right?).
My deepest sympathies to you Gnarls. Grief is so devastating. All I can say is that time will help you heal.
Hold on to your memories and love for her tightly and know that she touched your life in such a great way. Speaking to a councilor now will help you get through this hard part as well.
*hugs*
Thanks for the support, you guys.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I do feel your pain, although I realize that grief is different for everyone. With me, it was my dad. He and I were very close and he passed away in 2006. I still miss him in immeasurable amounts and feel lost and alone alot. I am kind of embarrassed to admit that, being I am 38 years old! But I am beginning to see the sunshine again. The reason I am telling you this is because it does get easier with time. I don't believe it ever truly goes away completely though, contrary to what some may say. I think that little hole is left so that we always carry them with us and always remember how much we love them.
As for the "insensitive" people you may run across, they don't know until they've been there. Some of my friends, even family, expected me to be perky and move past it within weeks. Some never mentioned it and like you experienced, would ask what was wrong...hello!
I'm here if you ever want to talk. Hang in there and be gentle with youself. It's only been a couple months and grief has no time limit...feel what you need to feel and don't let anyone make you feel wrong for doing so.
I know it's cliche, but our loved ones are never very far so long as we carry them in our hearts. Something I realized is that I know my dad would be sad knowing how much I've cried and miss him. He would want me to be smiling and laughing. I know your friend would want the same for you. Just take it a day at a time, a minute at a time if need be.
Something that may help is doing something in her memory. My kids and I are planning a memorial garden for my dad because that's something he loved. Maybe there's something that would have meaning for you that would honor your friend.
(((((hugs)))))
Wow, reading your post has me crying again for the death of my best friend a year and a half ago. My cat Shango. A lot of what you described sounds remarkably similar to what I went through. For a solid six months after his death I would hear him meow, a feeling of joy came over me when I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him, but of course he wasn't there and then terrible despair would overcome me in wash when I remembered that he was dead.
Do you have dreams? That was the worst part of it was the dreams. For the first few months after he died I dreamt of his death, only he would die in different ways, usually violently and full of blood. How it really happened was he got sick and had to be euthanized, a peaceful death, but still very painful. Then the dreams shifted and got worse. I dreamt he was alive, and well, and had just been missing and I found him again. He would see me and meow and run towards me I ran to him picked him up and huged and huged him feeling so overjoyed knowing he is alive and okay. Can you imagine the pain when I woke up and remembered that he was dead and wasn't there?
I remember comming home from the vet, falling on the ground and screaming, literally screaming, pounding my fists into the floor, kicking, and screaming. The more pain I caused myself the better it felt. I would pound my head against the wall, so hard I actually heard the wall crack, and things started to get dark as I watched little white dots dance in my eyes but still I kept pounding my head harder and harder...I think at one point I actually blacked out but I don't remember, I just wanted to hurt myself, the physical pain felt good.
I wanted to kill myself, even planned it out. I knew of the perfect way of doing it, which I won't bother to describe. But I knew that I couldn't, my mom needed me, I had to survive for her. I was suicidal before Shago died becuase I had severe Seasonal Effective Disorder, and it was December in Fairbanks, Alaska. I stayed alive because "Shango needs me". The thought of him going to the pound, shivering in a cage kept me alive, then he died...I actually thought it was God's way of giving me permission to die, by taking away my reason for living God wanted me to die...but there was still my mom, I had to live for her too.
I understand the insensitive people thing too. I got the line "He was only a cat" thing a lot. To me was not just a cat, he was my reason for living, my child, my best friend. Sure, I adopted a new kitten 7 months after he died, but it is not the same. I love Sidra, I love Scooter, but they are not Shango. Shango was special, he and I were closer than any simple human/pet relationship should be.
The pain never goes away, but it just becomes more manageabel. It will go from what you feel now to a dull throbbing ache. I would give anything to have Shango back again, as I am sure you feel for your friend. You will go on, you will learn to live with the pain, and you will laugh again, I promise. Just live day by day, her death will always hurt, and it will always be a scar on your heart, but there will also be a day when you will be able to laugh again, you still have many great things to live for. Don't forget those you left behind, love them, and remember that they will always be in your heart. But you must live on, despite how much it hurts, it will get better, I promise. Time will help to ease the pain. Just take it one day at a time. And if you go a little crazy (as I did when Shango died) and do something insane because of the pain it is okay. You will remember these times as a "dark chapter" in your life, it will make you cry years from now, but the sun will also shine. It will shine for you as well again, just give it time, those black clouds will eventually dissapate, the sun will come back out and it will be okay.
I wish I was there, it sounds like you desperately need a shoulder to cry on. It is okay to cry. What you need is someone to say nothing, to give you a hug, and let you cry and cry and cry. If you have a pet, use him/her, I can't tell you how many tears I cried into Scooter's fur. It will be okay.
Gnarls,
I'm sorry for your loss and know that nothing anyone can say will make things better for you. I hope you are soon able to cherish the loving memories you have without the bitter pain of loss distracting you.