dealing with anger
i am soooo incredibly angry right now... i never know how to deal with it, i usually just let it go until i forget about it, but i know thats bad cuz i'll end up w/ stomach aches and migraines and all that. right now i've kinda got chest pains. i can feel like... rage... building up, and i know i'm gonna bite dean's head off any minute
i'm so unhappy and i'm angry, and i know why but it's the situation where i can't tell the person so i don't know how to make it go away but at the same time i wonder if i don't say anything, the situation won't get better. but from past experience, we've had conversations about it and nothing has changed, so why would i think ANOTHER conversation would change it....
i'm sorry :( i just need to rant.. i dont know what kind of answer i was hoping for :(
same thing has happened to me. michael and i "talk about" the same thing over and over again, but things never change. i dont know how to deal with anger either. i usually just hide, write music and sleep.
: ( i feel your pain and i hope... i dont know what i hope because i dont know what the outcome is supposed to be. are things supposed to change? are we supposed to find a way to deal with these problems since they wont change? i dont know.
same thing has happened to me. michael and i "talk about" the same thing over and over again, but things never change. i dont know how to deal with anger either. i usually just hide, write music and sleep.
: ( i feel your pain and i hope... i dont know what i hope because i dont know what the outcome is supposed to be. are things supposed to change? are we supposed to find a way to deal with these problems since they wont change? i dont know.
thats exactly how i feel :(
Its hard for me to relate, I am really even keeled and mellow.
I would like to try to help. My ex had a lot of pent up anger that I blew off (looking back, not the best idea).
Do you ladies have an outlet? Running, spinning in circles screaming until you fall down, an intense yoga class?
Can you talk it through with someone? Sig other, a friend, here?
If you changed your approach in regards to your men, would the reaction be altered?
I know we all wish to be understood, it can be a difficult task.
The more you work as a couple, its a feather in the cap regarding longevity.
If its all at a stand off and you have attempted to engage neutral communication,
seeking professional help is an option.
If I were in a situation where my partner said "I am having a hard time communicating. I am very frustrated and its coming to a boiling point, I want to talk to someone about this..." A little light might go off in my oddly shaped man brain, "oh she's serious".
I have categories. I have things that are issues to be resolved and things that I let go. Most things I don't worry about. It's not that I suppress my feelings; rather, I acknowledge my feelings and don't put further energy into them. If it's something that's a deal-breaker for me, I'm persistant about it, but I keep my attention goal oriented and try to keep momentum moving forward in a linear fashion to a resolution and not to get side tracked by extraneous issues.
it's just... i've told him many times that i don't feel like he loves me. he says he does but he doesn't treat me like he does. the way he acts most of the time makes me feel like i'm in his way or an annoyance. i want to watch something i like on tv for once, without him turning on the radio in the other room so i can't hear it or him coming right out and saying he doesn't want to listen to what i'm watching (cartoons---they calm me down and make me somewhat happy). and i just get so angry and want to tell him if i wanna fuckin watch Inuyasha on the 50" tv that i bought with MY money, off the cable box that i pay for with MY MONEY, then i fuckin will. why should i always have to put my headphones on and watch it on my laptop, or go into the bedroom where he doesnt have to deal with it.
about a week and a half ago he wrote an email to my doctor saying that i've gained a significant amount of weight and he's becoming less attracted to me. he wants to help me stop binge eating. now i feel like i can't eat around him, and that i have to wear big baggy clothes so he doesn't have to look at my body. but at the same time i just want to scream at him that if i wanna effin eat, then i will. and if he has a problem with it maybe he should TRY to make me happy instead of just making comments all the time about the result of my unhappiness....
i almost left him when i found out he wrote that, and i cried for hours and he just kept saying "please dont leave i'd do anything for you, please don't leave i can't sleep if you're gone"... so i stayed but he doesn't treat me like he'd do anything for me. he asked me a few times what he could do to make me happy so i told him some things... buy me flowers once in a while, ACT like you love me, do things for me instead of always asking for me to do/get things for you.... we had that same conversation over 2 months ago, have had it 3 times total... he has yet to do any of that
i don't know what to do anymore... i love him very much... and all we both want is for us to be happy together, but if he doesn't make an effort for that, then what can i do? sometimes i think the only way he'll get how unhappy i am is if i leave... i'm just afraid he'll realize that he's better off without me... :'(
i'm sorry... i just had to get that out... :'(
o gee.
i think there is a lot of disrespect in the household.
i think you two should go to couples therapy.
you both need compromise.
it can work out and both of you can be happy.
thats what the intention is, correct?
it's just... i've told him many times that i don't feel like he loves me. he says he does but he doesn't treat me like he does. the way he acts most of the time makes me feel like i'm in his way or an annoyance. i want to watch something i like on tv for once, without him turning on the radio in the other room so i can't hear it or him coming right out and saying he doesn't want to listen to what i'm watching (cartoons---they calm me down and make me somewhat happy). and i just get so angry and want to tell him if i wanna fuckin watch Inuyasha on the 50" tv that i bought with MY money, off the cable box that i pay for with MY MONEY, then i fuckin will. why should i always have to put my headphones on and watch it on my laptop, or go into the bedroom where he doesnt have to deal with it.
You should do this. It sounds like you need some "you" time. Tell him if he doesn't want to buy you flowers occasionally, then the least he can do is put up with Inuyasha, I'd rate those two as about equal on the "make happy" scale. I've had conversations like this with my b/f and have explained to him that I am attempting to make myself happy/get myself out of a funk and this cheesy tv show I happen to be watching (two days ago it was Dark Angel, before it was Charmed) is helping me to feel better. I may get a few wayward glances from him, but he will then usually go back into another room and play with his guitar, or sit down with me and share in the cheese.
During my refined-sugar fast, we had a break through where I had a huge meltdown, and G realized/learned how much I was giving up for him. Every little comfort I had in my "Make Hanashi Happy" arsenal, either had sugar (or hfcs) or he didn't enjoy, so I didn't do it. He gave me the permission to break my planned 30 fast 2 days early. He then used his last $10 to take me out to our favorite Mexicatessen, so that I didn't have to make dinner.
One of the greatest things a therapist has ever said to me when I told them I felt I was experiencing a "break down" they replied "break down, or break through?". Remember, the only difference between the two is where you stop.
Hi Sariea,
This is going to sound cold, but I'm going to say it anyway.
You're too young for that shit. Men pretty much stay as they are. I have rarely ever seen huge changes in a guy. You say you've talked about it several times. Well, obviously he seems fine with how things are. He didn't want you to leave him because of how he would feel, not you you would feel. It sounds like he is pretty superficial too. Who makes comments on body image to someone that has ED issues? My advice; find a man that already knows how to treat you the way you want to be treated.
Good luck in your decisions,
Lauren
+1 @ Lauren! ;)b
You deserve to be respected.Hiow the hell does he say anything about your body, knowing what you have been through????
It sounds like hes definately got his issues that he needs to deal with b/c of the fact that hes projecting his anger/ annoyance onto you.
If you want to save this relationship, i agree that couples therapy would be good. But hes got to be willing to participate too.
He will never change unless there are consequences to his actions.
And i know that you would to *anything* fot him to stay...but why? You shouldnt sacrifice your being, sanity and happiness to walk on eggshells!!!
Sareia, it's time to put your foot down and tell him that you are going to do things that you enjoy. Invite him to join you if he likes, but don't sacrifice your tastes and walk on eggshells around him... because that's not a pattern you want to start early in a relationship. What is now annoying and presumptive on his part can later become emotional abuse. Draw the line.
As for your body, well, it was your doctor he approached, so he is expressing a health concern; however, I feel that he is out of line in this respect as well. It's your body, and YOU SHOULD EAT.
Hugs, honey. You have every right to be mad -- find a way to work it out of your system and don't internalize it or let it become destructive anger. Exercise, or make some bread (punching down dough after the first rise can be satisfying!), or.... watch Inuyasha on your big 50" TV. :)
*hugs Sariea*
It took me a very very long time to realize that I was responsible for my own happiness in life. Other people can add to it or detract from it but ultimately, I am responsible. Do what makes YOU happy. Do what makes you healthy. Compromise where you can and ask him to respect what you cannot compromise on.
If you feel like you are talking and talking and doing nothing more than banging your head against a brick wall only to pull back a bloody stump, its time to let it go.
*hugs*
Sareia, I started to write something last night and ended up deleting it b/c I thought it was a little preachy with respect to how little information I had about the situation. Now that I know a little more about the situation, I feel compelled to write.
Now practically my entire post is moot, because I addressed the anger from an unresolved situation. I've come to grips with a lot of things in my life because I've realized that you either have to a) change the situation or b) accept it as it is and make peace, and my advice last night was on how to deal with the anger with the situation being the way that it is. But knowing a bit more about it now, I also think you *have* to change the situation. I have been separated from my husband for about 5 months now for a multitude of reasons, but some of our situation was kind of similar to yours. You are a good person and you deserve love and respect-- and it's not enough that Dean's intentions are good or that he *says* he loves you, he has to show it. My husband is such a good person and I know that he loves me, but he didn't show it. So I was in what looked like a good and healthy relationship, but between the two of us I constantly felt put-down and unloved and made to feel stupid and immature and *wrong.* Ohmygoodness, even writing this is hard, because why and how can someone who supposedly loves you treat you that way? Please look out for you and stand up for yourself-- you deserve better than this.
Drop me a line or find me in chat some time if you want to talk.
you are all very right, and i really appreciate what you've all said. since i last posted, i was crying really hard when i did because i didnt' know what to do. after i posted i got up and left the house to go shopping with my mom, i only said "i'm going out, i'll be back later" as i left and he called me twice while iwas gone to find out what was going on, he wanted me to talk to him because he didn't like that i had spent the entire weekend on the couch or in the bedroom watching cartoons and moping. we tried talking when i got home but he gets defensive, as anyone does when they're confronted with things like that... i gave up and left for about an hour.
i went to my parents house and sat on their front porch by myself. my mom doesn't know what to do, she has her opinions but she wants me to make my own decisions. and my dad made it very clear that he thinks i should come home, at least for a week. i came home and started putting stuff in my car to leave, and i know he was trying to get me to stay. every time i would turn to get closer to the door he'd say something more to try and make things better.
i explained to him, with the help of some of your tips, that if i watch my "stupid" cartoons, it's because they make me somewhat happy, and that it's disrespectful of him to go and turn the radio on. we'll see... he knows how i feel. but who knows if he understands. he made me dinner tonight and we had a good night together...
couples therapy is something we've done once, and would benefit from doing again. but my new job leaves me with little time to get those appointments. he works til 4 and right now i work til 7 and it'll probably be later than that soon.but it's still looking into how to do that. but i'm definately going to start going to therapy more often because my job is so stressful that i need that anyway (i work in customer service for Verizon Wireless and get yelled at all day by angry customers)
but anyway, i'm sorry this is so long... i know my options now. if it happens again, i'm afraid i'll have to leave. it'll hurt, but i know it's emotional abuse, my mom constantly tells me "he doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse" and i know that, i think i'm just really wanting it to work and i'm willing to work on the relationship for us to be happy... whether it be together or apart, we'll see
I. cannot. believe. him.
I am almost speechless. Almost. So, if I were you, I'd leave him. I'd leave his ungrateful, whiny, immature, idiotic ass. He emailed your Dr.?? I could understand if you had gained 100lbs in a few weeks, or LOST 100lbs in a few weeks and he was genuinely concerned about your health and well being, but um, WTF?!? He doesn't think you're attractive at this weight? Good, tell him to go find some skinny bitch that will pay his cable bill and buy him a big ass TV too. Oh and an added bonus of saving money on the grocery bill. If he really loved you, he'd find you attractive no matter what. You are WAY too young, WAY too pretty, and WAY WAY too fabulous to be wasting your life on this loser that can't appreciate you and all your fabulosity. I know it's hard to end a LTR, but holy crap woman, it sounds like you'd be dodging a HUGE bullet.
I. cannot. believe. him.
I am almost speechless. Almost. So, if I were you, I'd leave him. I'd leave his ungrateful, whiny, immature, idiotic ass. He emailed your Dr.?? I could understand if you had gained 100lbs in a few weeks, or LOST 100lbs in a few weeks and he was genuinely concerned about your health and well being, but um, WTF?!? He doesn't think you're attractive at this weight? Good, tell him to go find some skinny bitch that will pay his cable bill and buy him a big ass TV too. Oh and an added bonus of saving money on the grocery bill. If he really loved you, he'd find you attractive no matter what. You are WAY too young, WAY too pretty, and WAY WAY too fabulous to be wasting your life on this loser that can't appreciate you and all your fabulosity. I know it's hard to end a LTR, but holy crap woman, it sounds like you'd be dodging a HUGE bullet.
I concur. Though I would never use the word fabulosity myself, I would use the adjective splendidisity.