How we view ourselves
I've read many posts at this forum concerning eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and other self-critical perceptions. Oddly enough, I was thinking about it this morning while I was walking my dog and wondered how we got to this point as a society-where outward appearance becomes so decisive in how we are defined as people. If it were merely a case where another person saying, "you are so attractive" would magically fulfill our deepest desire to be happy, almost everyone would be content. Yet, so many of us never get to that point. It never seems to matter what are husbands or wives, or lovers or friends or even strangers say, there's always that inner fear and disbelief that paints such a distorted image in our mirrors. The old adage that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" will always be true and important. Unfortunately, if the "beholder" is ourselves, the final,tainted judgment can be especially unkind. Have any of you thought about this too? I'd be very interested to read how you felt about it.
Yeah definitely! ;D
I think we should all give ourselves a break sometimes, but theres nothing wrong with self-reflection. :) I would say something about how self-confidence is important, and how after you finish reflection on yourself you should always remind yourself of the good things about you, but being in a pit of social anxiety myself I think it would be pretty hypocritical ::)
When I'm feeling positive, I tell myself that low self-esteem/self-image is just plain silly - because nobody outside myself knows how I imagine I ought to look (they can't read my mind to know that I'm having a bad hair day, for instance) - they just see how I DO look. (Besides, if someone is b*tchy enough to think a stranger (me) looks like crap, then I don't want to know them anyway.)
I tell myself this... but I don't always listen. :(
i think our society has all grown up with physical appearance being such an issue (more than in the past), that we;re now all obsessed with it
hearing girls tell me Im cute, attractive, or good looking or being approached because of those things do make me feel better about myself, but it still hardly lessens the disguat I have when i look at myself in pictures or in the mirror from time to time
not sure what the answer is, its not like one can "fool themselves" into being happy with their appearance
Wow! this is really deep! All I know is that I am personally my own worst critic--I love the flaws in other people, and I can find beauty anywhere--but in me? Nope! I'm going to blame my over-achieving, virgo personality :D
I don't rationalize with myself. I like to just look in the mirror and say "you are a morbidly obese dumb ugly" and then I laugh, because that's a ridiculously fun thing to say
and if the truth is that I could stand to lose 10 lbs, I'll tell my friends "hey guys, I'm thinking of losing 83 lbs, what do you think?" and then it's a joke and we can laugh the pain away :)
In all honesty, if I were as thin and pretty as I wanted to be, I'd still be ME inside. I'd have added pressure of thinking "that boy doesn't really like me, he just likes me because I'm pretty" Upside to being a dumb ugly: no one's using you for your looks
and if I REALLY think about it, I just don't care about being thin and pretty, and if other girls really thought about it, they wouldn't care either. It's not going to make life easier to be a certain size. No one will judge you if you're a 2 or a 20...people are too busy being absorbed with themselves to even notice 90% of the tiny things you hate about yourself
I also try to tell myself not to be pretty for anyone's sake but my own... great, except that I'm my own harshest critic anyway. But truly, the day I realised that I don't have to care if others find me attractive was liberating. At least it made me smile, and smiling makes everyone more beautiful. :)
Watching a film called "La Degrace" (French: The Graceless One) about the ugly-duckling teen with beautiful parents who are embarrassed of her, I learned a valuable lesson. The girl is carrying an armload of top-fashion mags and the housekeeper asks her "What do you want with those?"
"Don't you KNOW?" she replies, "These are the most beautiful women on earth."
"Maybe so," says the housekeeper,"but they'll get old, just like everyone else...only it will be much, much harder on them!"
Later I worked with a girl who had tried to be a fashion model without much success. She was only about 23 but she would rather go hungry than live without face cream! Please--at 23 if you're worried about wrinkles...
I am niether ugly nor beautiful, I'm just...normal. But at least I'll never "lose my beauty." And the grey hair and wrinkles aren't a tragedy.
This is an issue that I struggle with, eventhough I really try not to. The few girlfriends I have are all professional ballet dancers. 2 of them have EDs, but most don't. But obviously, even the one's without EDs are a lot skinnier than I am. I struggled with ED in high school/college but as all of you in recovery know, you never really "get over it." I eat a healthy diet now, but damn...I would still love to be thinner. And knowing that just a few years ago I was 30lbs thinner at the same height makes it even harder.
Inherently, I think my "appearance goals" are for myself. I feel like I should be able to control what my body looks like. Eventhough I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time, guys occasionally compliment me. I know I'm not "ugly," but still, when I look in the mirror, I'm like "ugh." I have to really, consciously control my thoughts.
I go through phases, but one thing that helps is being active. I practice yoga 4-5 times a week at a wonderful studio and have started running. When I'm doing these things, my mentality changes and I really believe that self-worth has nothing to do with the 10 lbs I want to lose. But, lately, I've been having some trouble at work, which has spilled into the rest of my life, and about 2 weeks ago I hurt by back so I haven't been able to run and have had to curtail the yoga to only a couple beginner classes a week. Honestly, I feel like a fat blob of goo. I really have to make an effort to keep my head straight.
For me, it's not the magazines. I know those aren't realistic, it's the ballet friends and my yoga teacher with "perfect" bodies...I guess b/c I know those ARE real.
This probably doesn't make any sense, but anyway.
yabbitgirl - Do you know how awesome you are? :)
It's funny about appearance. I never really paid much attention to mine and I think it's because the majority of my friends in life have been male. All of the complexes I've had about my appearance came from my female friends. It's like if we mess up our competition, then we have a better shot at the guy, because the other girls will be too neurotic.
yabbitgirl - Do you know how awesome you are? :)
My blushes, Watson!! :-[ :-[ :-*
I get so many compliments on this board, I'm gonna start believing I'm special if I'm not careful... :-* :D
i think about this all the time. i am constantly wondering "how did it get to be this way" and it's everywhere you look. you can't watch a tv show without seeing a diet commercial or listen to the radio without hearing the same. my mother and i used to look forward to watching Survivor every thursday night as one of our special things to do together, but i'd have a hard time towards the end because the girls would get so skinny.. but now its like they choose people who are ALREADY malnourished looking and i can't watch it anymore, unfortunately.
i get compliments from my family and boyfriend on a daily basis but it goes in one ear and out the other. i appreciate them saying those things, but in the end it comes down to how i feel inside. and i feel ugly and fat and worthless and like a horrible person, and until i figure out why, i will continue to feel that way.
it's funny.. even though i felt badly about myself, i never once thought of starving myself as the answer until i saw a movie with a certain thin girl in it and after that it was just over. my computer desktop had pictures of thin girls and i was so driven to lose weight to look that good--plus i was crying every night over my body and i wanted to feel better.
im not sure what my reply has really added to this but ...i dunno
I agree with you, Sariea in one respect- if you are not feeling good about yourself, it doesn't matter what people say. When I was your age I use to have girls tell me all the time how "cute" or "handsome" I was but it was a tumultous period in my life and I was too concerned about what was happening on "Planet Dana" to appreciate their compliments. Now when someone tells me I'm attractive it means a lot more to me. I guess I was a bit spoiled in those days. Ultimately, we all have to be kinder to ourselves and realize that there is no perfection in life. Sometimes I think it's more important for other people to tell us that we're just a "good person" and not have them cultivate a "positive" image of our physicality. I don't know how we got to this point in our society but obviously there's countless people out there who equate self-worth with what they see in the mirror. It's sad and invites others to feed into this viscious cycle. The irony of it all is that the people we envy, whether it be on TV, movies, or real life and aspire to replicate, are probably as afraid and insecure as the next person.
i hate those "f-ing" magazines.
they make teenage girls, including me feel completely worthless.
like we have to change everything about ourselves.
america is sick.
Compliments don't work...it still puts the focus on appearances.
you may get a compliment on a day where you particularly look and feel cute, but what happens the next day, or later on, after youve eaten a meal and feell like a house?
we need to put more focus on what we can do, our talents, our accomplishments... i was listening this weekend to a women who was speaking about feminism and she made the point that obsessing about our outsides, keeps us from focusing on our insides and becoming effective in this world. think of all we could accomplish (esp as women) if we spend our self critical energy on changing the world, being creative, being rablberousers!!
the first insult that ppl spew out to women are about their looks. think of all the public criticisms about janet reno or hillary.... never mind their accomplishments, but look! at her hair, her clothes, etc???!!!
i also think we, as women, need to be aware of what we put out there to other females, esp.... do we cut another one down physically? do we send out distasteful looks to another? do we make someone else feel even uglier by being super -critical of ourselves? do we pick out flaws on ourselves that may or may not be there??
The irony of it all is that the people we envy, whether it be on TV, movies, or real life and aspire to replicate, are probably as afraid and insecure as the next person.
they are. if they weren't we'd never hear about the celebrities fighting ED's. and for all the ones we hear about, there's more that are just more subtle about it.
Honestly, I'd rather aim to be fit/healthy rather than thin/slender. But I bet the latter would come as a side effect anyway! Hee hee.
I saw an article in a magazine once which was comparing a photo of Raquel Welch to tow British actresses of the same age - Judi Dench and Maggie Smith. So the latter two haven't had surgery/botox/collagen/lipo but my goodness, what faces these women have. They tell the story of their lives. They have faces that have lived and loved, smiled and frowned, been weary and ecstatic, howled with laughter and wept in deep grief and they are wonderful! Ms Welch's face on the other hand looked like a mask - pretty but expressionless. I also know who are the better actors and surely it's better to be known for who you are and what you can do rather than for looking 20 years younger but terrified to crack a smile or enjoy a meal!